I am overwhelmed with lists.
There is a list for things that need to be done on my phone: messages checked, emails responded to, figure out how to get the cloud to stop telling me my phone can't back up... A list for homework, additional promises, future plans, insurance, food prep...All of it to attempt to make sense of time spinning faster than my hands can catch.
I am learning that I don't pray the way I ought. We've been going through Daniel and the man fell on his face three times a day to talk to the God he knew was holy, and I think to Him. I cast my stray thoughts to Him in moments, but I do not know how to bow in prayer for more than ten minutes at a time. And they're sporadic minutes. Not that I need a prayer schedule, but something needs to change because Daniel was a man of God and people knew it and I want people to know it about me, too.
The days are shorter and colder. Some days it feels like my friends are shorter and colder, too. This isn't bitterness, because I see the sweet moments we have. I mean that they are tired, and worn, and this world seems so heavy for all the young Christians around me. They are world weary, when I think we are meant to be heavenly. Why do the cares of this life mean so much to all of us?
October is a hard month for me. The second hardest is February. They're claustrophobic months that creep into my sense like snakes looking for an extra skin. These are the months that I need to remember God is sovereign. Over my feelings. Over my worries. Over my cares. And over all of the feelings and worries and cares carried by the world around me. And God is love. Love is defined by Him. I am learning that love flows through me best when I am not focused on sharing how I am worried today. Love is better expressed in sharing the joyful mess of who God has made me for today. Like, there is only triumph for us now that we are in Christ and I don't understand why we so quickly forget that.
October is a hard month for me. But I am learning it can be easier.
