where has all the time gone?

I am overwhelmed with lists.

There is a list for things that need to be done on my phone: messages checked, emails responded to, figure out how to get the cloud to stop telling me my phone can't back up... A list for homework, additional promises, future plans, insurance, food prep...All of it to attempt to make sense of time spinning faster than my hands can catch.

I am learning that I don't pray the way I ought.  We've been going through Daniel and the man fell on his face three times a day to talk to the God he knew was holy, and I think to Him.  I cast my stray thoughts to Him in moments, but I do not know how to bow in prayer for more than ten minutes at a time.  And they're sporadic minutes.  Not that I need a prayer schedule, but something needs to change because Daniel was a man of God and people knew it and I want people to know it about me, too.

The days are shorter and colder.  Some days it feels like my friends are shorter and colder, too.  This isn't bitterness, because I see the sweet moments we have.  I mean that they are tired, and worn, and this world seems so heavy for all the young Christians around me.  They are world weary, when I think we are meant to be heavenly.  Why do the cares of this life mean so much to all of us? 

October is a hard month for me.  The second hardest is February.  They're claustrophobic months that creep into my sense like snakes looking for an extra skin.  These are the months that I need to remember God is sovereign.  Over my feelings.  Over my worries.  Over my cares.  And over all of the feelings and worries and cares carried by the world around me.  And God is love.  Love is defined by Him.  I am learning that love flows through me best when I am not focused on sharing how I am worried today.  Love is better expressed in sharing the joyful mess of who God has made me for today.  Like, there is only triumph for us now that we are in Christ and I don't understand why we so quickly forget that.

October is a hard month for me.  But I am learning it can be easier.

entitled to be frustrated?

It’s almost 5 AM, and I’m supposed to be filling the pastry case at work. Supposed to. Instead, I’m blogging in my car because my supervisor left his keys in his apron, which got locked in the building last night. For some reason, though, I’m not frustrated with him. I’m not irritated at all.  A little bummed because this cuts my hours short and I need all the money I can get, but not frustrated.  I have grace for this guy and his forgetfulness.

I’m reminded of all the moments I’ve struggled to live in God’s grace recently. Frustration and anger seem to be two of my most constant companions. Whether it’s because of vacuuming or missing out on friendship or poor grades or lost opportunity or hunger or exhaustion....my explosive emotions have been getting the better of me and everyone around me.

God, I’m so ready to be a spokesperson or ambassador for your grace. I want the people who don’t have or understand it to get it. But I forget, so often, that it’s as ready and available to me as clean drinking water. Thank you for continuing to teach me how to throw my irritation at the foot of the cross. I love you in Jesus’ name.

pumpkin spice starts in august

Lydia and I have been talking a lot about seasons of life, about our time at EBI coming to an end, about what we want to take away from this experience. Emmie and I have had similar conversations, about how crazy it is that we have new experiences yet a lot of the things we go through repeat on a circuit.  I mean, really, transition boils down to being a transition with all the typical feelings and decisions, regardless of age and experience. 

Preparing to leave Bible school feels a lot like the months before I arrrived here, even though the events are different.  Instead of leaving the Philippines and helping my grandmother make her doctor appointments, I am learning how to dreadlock hair and craft lattes. My sweet friend, Alisha, and I are trying to meet once a week. Tanner and I talk more and more about what the future looks like. Classes are increasingly missions-focused. 

It’s all good. And it’s also transition.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

summer snapshots

(Lydia and I on our way home from Bek’s wedding at the very beginning of summer. 20 hours one way is a long time.)

(Anna and Wes aren’t together, but that’s the joke 🤷🏼‍♀️)

(Tan and I at yet another wedding, laughing too hard like always)

(Tan and I went to a Brewers game with his family before I went to NY at the end of the summer to see my family.)

(During my visit home, I got to babysit my man Elijah.)

(I think the only thing I went to more than weddings this summer was the beach. Worth every second.)

august means update

Maybe you’ve never missed a job so much you thought about paying to be able to do it again, but let me tell you, friends, I’m there.  This whole summer I have missed early mornings out in the blueberry patch, knowing that I am working hard. So when I headed home for these two weeks, I thought I might pay a small chunk and pick berries for a few hours. But I forgot that my parents have blueberry bushes planted outside their kitchen window waiting to be picked. In fact, I forgot until my little brother suggested I pick the berries Thursday morning. There aren’t words to describe how stupidly happy that made me.

Going home has been an incredible time of rest. From having the sweetest seat-mate on the 22+ hour train ride, to seeing my best friend and two of my brothers within hours of coming home, to backpacking with Grace in the green mountains, to spending an afternoon with my Nan. I get to write and knit and watch Ugly Delicious and Chef’s Table on Netflix. I get to take my mornings for prayer and coffee.

Everyone always says rest is important and I rarely believe them. I’m excited for the upcoming semester and my graduation in December. I’m excited to be back in Waukesha in two weeks. But it’s two weeks away. So I’m also excited to finally rest.

awol summer

June and July are for sure the worst months for me in remembering to blog, and I think it’s because every day feels so painfully long. It isn’t that there aren’t things to write about, because there are. Examples: Andy and Martha’s wedding, the trip to and from Arkansas, moving rooms and trading roomies again, buying health insurance, parks and rec life, going to the Milwaukee Art Museum and seeing Georgie O’Keeffe paintings in real life for the first time.  Life is full and sweet and still my heart struggles to be content.

I forget to be grateful for the 70 wild kids I get to work with every day. I fail to bask in the simplicity of quiet mornings with Tan before work.  I’m afraid of the coming semester, changing jobs, and I feel so insecure and unsteady. But here’s both the good and bad part: I didn’t actually realize I was feeling any of this specifically until yesterday. I was just feel sorry for myself about everything and really it’s just me putting my attention where it doesn’t belong. So I wrote a little poem and I think I’ll leave it here, at the end of this post.

You were imperfect in creation

but you were good before the world began.

That’s why I made you blind to your own image;

that’s why it’s called the fall of man

when his gaze fell from my intention.

I never meant for you to look at you.

Your eyes were made for me alone

and eyes that wander in distraction

lose sight of the one upon the throne;

I never wanted you to block your own view.

Look at me. See the good.

Loot at me.  Stop comparing man to God.

Look at me. I made you for my glory.

Look at me. Lift your eyes to life above.

Look at me. Let your gaze look where it should.

we are parks and rec

Sometimes I wonder if working with Leslie Knope would be better than my actual boss at parks and rec, but I’m also not there because of my boss. Kids like E, who need help making friends on day one and have a whole posse on day two, are why parks and rec is a good time. Or kids like A, five years old and as saucy as the day is long, who just smile and the whole world seems right. Literally, my job is to build relationships with elementary aged kids while playing outside all day long and it’s hard, but 100% worth it.

All of that to say, pray for me and my employment next semester. While working with parks and rec has been an awesome fit, working split shifts Monday through Friday during the semester has been difficult.  So much so that I struggled to invest in work, classes, and classmates well. In an effort to truly engage in the community around me, I’m asking God to provide work that would allow me to have a single shift a day, with enough pay that I can afford this next semester and possibly save for the next step.

✌🏼