stage fright

There are parts of being human that I think will always be a part of being me. Throughout my life, I have been told that I'm very good on stage, I'm good with people, I'm understanding, I'm dramatic, I'm expressive.  I never thought the fear was allowed to interact with the qualities other people saw.  So I would try to push past the trembling legs and shallow breathing.  I tried to pretend I didn't break down into hysterical tears before every performance. I was supposed to be thriving.

A couple recent experiences have brought these memories to light, for a whole new angle of examination, which I'll talk about now:

1. For a short while, a friend and I were working together and she expressed a surprising sentiment. She confided that she was frustrated because she felt that her anxiety prevented her from connecting with our coworkers, that I couldn't understand her level of anxiety because she clearly has more of it than I do, and that people are more drawn to me as a person in general.  I was stunned.  Did she not know the amount of turmoil I experience on a daily basis over texts, let alone human interaction?

2. My roommate and I were joking about depressing yoga, and I did an Instagram live video describing the hateful universe while doing basic yoga poses.  Friends and family laughed, sending me comments about how funny it was, but some people missed it.  And I thought, "Hey, I could do this again, right?"  WRONG.  I turned the camera on and immediately began shaking.  Stage fright wrenched my thoughts from my mind and I sat in front of my phone, paralyzed in warrior 1.  In the end, I gave up, turned the camera off, and practiced yoga on my own in the quiet.

 In the end, my question is always this: who knows me better?  Me or the people around me?  And I think the answer I keep coming back to is not an answer to that question.  Rather, I'm encouraged to be thankful that God has enabled me to overcome crippling fear, and that He has allowed the people around me to see someone who is not afraid of the world around her, even if I still feel it.  Still human, but maybe a little less flesh and a little more soul.