I thought it had been maybe a month since I last posted. It has been three.
Hello, again.
I think I had hoped that if I did things "the right way," I would be saved from certain discomforts. My current example is pregnancy. (If you missed it on instagram and facebook, Tan and I are welcoming a baby boy into the world in January!) What I mean is this: We waited to have sex till we got married. We followed all the "right" steps in building our relationship. We prayed over the decision to try to get pregnant and felt it was time. And I thought because we did all the "right" things, pregnancy would be a breeze. I would be a glowing, joyful, worshipful pregnant woman, filled with grace and serenity.
There is not a lot of glowing grace in hugging a toilet bowl for the past 24 weeks. At least, not a lot that I can see. Of course, there is joy in the gift of life growing inside of me. I'm amazed and thankful that God chose to give us a child, when I believed I would be unable to conceive, but those are big picture feelings. Little, daily feelings are discouragement because I'm missing classes, mentally struggling with the concept of weight gain that doesn't look perfectly placed like the girls modelling maternity leggings, constant inadequacy and confusion when it comes to doctors and insurance and what to do when...
Where is the serenity in this?
Even as I type, I don't want to be misunderstood. I'm not asking for pity, or crying out from lack of love. The women in my family have surrounded and supported me the best they can from half way across the country. Teachers have been incredibly understanding with my absences. Tan has been amazing with doing dishes and laundry and keeping me updated with what I miss during class. The struggle, as always, is in my heart and head.
I don't have a pretty way to tie this up in a closing. I don't even know if it's worth posting. When I started this blog 5 years ago, my hope was that whoever joins this journey toward ministry with me would be able to look over my life and see God's faithfulness and how far He's carried me. I guess that's the point. I want to share a moment where He's clearly carrying and it's all I can do to hang on.
