gracefully

 i've written before about how i don't think i'm doing this pregnancy thing very gracefully.  in the beginning i thought, "maybe i'm like Mary. maybe i just need to treasure all of this in my heart." but i haven't done a very good job of treasuring these months either.

there are just so many places i've been allowed to value way more than i should without anyone noticing until now.  without myself noticing. without recognizing.

like, i don't resent my son for making my thighs bigger than they've ever been, do i?  if there is resentment, it's aimed at myself for not exercising enough or eating healthily enough during pregnancy. but what would enough of those things have looked like? couldn't my body have changed anyway?  isn't that the natural order of life for some women? i shouldn't be crippled by the fear that i might never fit into my favorite pair of jeans again, but i am.

or how about the way i want Tanner to need me. i want him to value me for all the ways i make his life better. do i then resent myself anew because all i've been able to do for the past nine months is ask for his help?

 and so i avoid social media and connecting with people i love because i feel toxic. i wouldn't want to spend time with me or hear me talk about my struggles for months on end.  i barely know how to express them in this short post sent into the void.  how do i share this with the people who care, but probably can't help?

and where have i left room for God in this?  how much control over health, wellness, success, survival, etc. do i think i have? apparently way more than i actually do. as my friend Lindsay says, "Jesus, help."

help me be at peace with the way things are.

help me place value where You place it.

help me grow, hopefully, gracefully.

i thought today was the third

do i treat people,

all people,

like the image of God?

no.

not even all God’s people —

His saints, His children.

why?

i'm not sure, but i

realized today that my

son will be raised believing

a woman is what i am,

whether i tell him that or not.

and i want to give him

the honor,

the responsibility,

the knowledge that

all people bear God’s image, that

worth is not assigned by 

size, color, sexuality, or shape,

and especially not by his human say.

worth is assigned 

because our Holy God designed 

that body for that soul 

and He set that heart in motion 

with air He breathed from heaven 

and if that isn’t worthy 

of decency 

and respect 

and patience 

and gentleness 

and love, nothing is.

my son will learn this or he won’t 

and it will be the result 

of how i treat people — 

not just when they’re with me, 

but when their backs are turned 

and i in turn 

talk about them and what will i say?

what will he hear?

will he learn that people are worthy of his decency? 

not because he felt so 

but because God said so. 

will he see God’s image as holy? 

not just in the Bible 

but in the faces of humanity.

do I treat people, 

all people, 

like the image of God?

adjusting

 I thought it had been maybe a month since I last posted.  It has been three.

Hello, again.

I think I had hoped that if I did things "the right way," I would be saved from certain discomforts.  My current example is pregnancy. (If you missed it on instagram and facebook, Tan and I are welcoming a baby boy into the world in January!) What I mean is this: We waited to have sex till we got married. We followed all the "right" steps in building our relationship. We prayed over the decision to try to get pregnant and felt it was time. And I thought because we did all the "right" things, pregnancy would be a breeze.  I would be a glowing, joyful, worshipful pregnant woman, filled with grace and serenity.

There is not a lot of glowing grace in hugging a toilet bowl for the past 24 weeks. At least, not a lot that I can see. Of course, there is joy in the gift of life growing inside of me.  I'm amazed and thankful that God chose to give us a child, when I believed I would be unable to conceive, but those are big picture feelings.  Little, daily feelings are discouragement because I'm missing classes, mentally struggling with the concept of weight gain that doesn't look perfectly placed like the girls modelling maternity leggings, constant inadequacy and confusion when it comes to doctors and insurance and what to do when...

Where is the serenity in this?

Even as I type, I don't want to be misunderstood. I'm not asking for pity, or crying out from lack of love. The women in my family have surrounded and supported me the best they can from half way across the country. Teachers have been incredibly understanding with my absences. Tan has been amazing with doing dishes and laundry and keeping me updated with what I miss during class. The struggle, as always, is in my heart and head.

I don't have a pretty way to tie this up in a closing.  I don't even know if it's worth posting.  When I started this blog 5 years ago, my hope was that whoever joins this journey toward ministry with me would be able to look over my life and see God's faithfulness and how far He's carried me.  I guess that's the point. I want to share a moment where He's clearly carrying and it's all I can do to hang on.