i've written before about how i don't think i'm doing this pregnancy thing very gracefully. in the beginning i thought, "maybe i'm like Mary. maybe i just need to treasure all of this in my heart." but i haven't done a very good job of treasuring these months either.
there are just so many places i've been allowed to value way more than i should without anyone noticing until now. without myself noticing. without recognizing.
like, i don't resent my son for making my thighs bigger than they've ever been, do i? if there is resentment, it's aimed at myself for not exercising enough or eating healthily enough during pregnancy. but what would enough of those things have looked like? couldn't my body have changed anyway? isn't that the natural order of life for some women? i shouldn't be crippled by the fear that i might never fit into my favorite pair of jeans again, but i am.
or how about the way i want Tanner to need me. i want him to value me for all the ways i make his life better. do i then resent myself anew because all i've been able to do for the past nine months is ask for his help?
and so i avoid social media and connecting with people i love because i feel toxic. i wouldn't want to spend time with me or hear me talk about my struggles for months on end. i barely know how to express them in this short post sent into the void. how do i share this with the people who care, but probably can't help?
and where have i left room for God in this? how much control over health, wellness, success, survival, etc. do i think i have? apparently way more than i actually do. as my friend Lindsay says, "Jesus, help."
help me be at peace with the way things are.
help me place value where You place it.
help me grow, hopefully, gracefully.
