2020

It’s a new year, a new decade, a new chapter...and the right words are whispers waiting to be heard above the racket of real life.

The book of Joel is God’s command and plea to His people to correct their hearts toward Him. He tells them the end of everything we know, the disaster that will afflict humanity, and He says, “If you come back to me, I will still be faithful to protect you from that.” But the end of Joel is open. There is no final answer to the result of the people of God, because we are still living in the time when the answer must be made. That is the entire purpose behind the last two years of Bible school, and the key to goal of however many more years God chooses to give me: people need to know their Creator is waiting for an answer. Will they love Him? Will they accept His terms? Or will they be numbered among the ones who reject Him?

It’s a wild time to be alive.  On the one hand, Tanner and I are getting married in six months! (Ohmygosh six months) My wedding dress arrived and is ready for alterations as of today, bridesmaid gifts are here, my sweet friend Lydia is almost done with invitations...we are actually getting married! On the other hand, our church may not be behind us going on to the Missionary Training Center this year and that hurts. He is involved with the missions team; I teach Sunday school with another lady; we attend a small group that we love.  Yet we might not have been presenting the right questions to the right people, or pursuing moving forward as missionary candidates in the most visible places. It’s a confusing, dizzying place to be.

But my brother is right. All we can do is pray, and be willing to accept and follow the guidance given by the leaders we are blessed to be under. God designed things that way, not us. 

So, my reader, pray for us through excitement and disappointment. Pray that we would be still in these moments so that we might move only when the Holy Spirit says “go.” Pray that we would be surrounded by people who desire God’s will to be done.

Thank you <3

thankfulness in color

(in my dotage, i am learning to fall asleep anywhere and be thankful for the moments of rest)

(i have a family full of love and i am thankful for my time with them)

(i have friends and they are full of love, too)

(tanner is home and there is all the love to be shared)

I am worried and thankful, so I guess I must choose peace, but with people like this, it is much easier to make that choice.

if i were...

If I were to write a blog post I would write about how God has provided a place for Lydia and I to live.

I would write about opportunities to relax and spend time with girls that I barely know and yet feel so connected with.

If I had the words, I would wax poetic about my desire to be certain that I am not an emotional, verbal bulldozer.

It might be worth telling about some truth nuggets from class.

But it’s hard to be faithful to a blog no one reads.  I’ve always had this vision in my head of a time when some of God’s people want to support me as a missionary.  Then, because I was faithful with an online journal, they would have access to me and God’s work in me over the years. And I still have that dream. 

I’m learning that breaks are okay if they have a purpose.  I’m learning that patience and waiting does not always mean proactive pestering in the white noise.  I’m learning that it’s okay to be ready for changes I’ve never even imagined being ready for until now.

Tanner is in Africa, practicing this whole missionary thing, and we couldn’t talk for a while. When we finally could talk, I informed him that he has ruined me. He cleans my car when it gets snow on it, he buys me snacks and coffee, he listens to me when I’m fragile and I cry.  I’m spoiled and also happy and I miss him. And I’m thankful for him. And for some reason he loves me back and it blows my mind.

And if I were to write a blog, I would say that the future looks bright and hopeful and plain old full. 

where has all the time gone?

I am overwhelmed with lists.

There is a list for things that need to be done on my phone: messages checked, emails responded to, figure out how to get the cloud to stop telling me my phone can't back up... A list for homework, additional promises, future plans, insurance, food prep...All of it to attempt to make sense of time spinning faster than my hands can catch.

I am learning that I don't pray the way I ought.  We've been going through Daniel and the man fell on his face three times a day to talk to the God he knew was holy, and I think to Him.  I cast my stray thoughts to Him in moments, but I do not know how to bow in prayer for more than ten minutes at a time.  And they're sporadic minutes.  Not that I need a prayer schedule, but something needs to change because Daniel was a man of God and people knew it and I want people to know it about me, too.

The days are shorter and colder.  Some days it feels like my friends are shorter and colder, too.  This isn't bitterness, because I see the sweet moments we have.  I mean that they are tired, and worn, and this world seems so heavy for all the young Christians around me.  They are world weary, when I think we are meant to be heavenly.  Why do the cares of this life mean so much to all of us? 

October is a hard month for me.  The second hardest is February.  They're claustrophobic months that creep into my sense like snakes looking for an extra skin.  These are the months that I need to remember God is sovereign.  Over my feelings.  Over my worries.  Over my cares.  And over all of the feelings and worries and cares carried by the world around me.  And God is love.  Love is defined by Him.  I am learning that love flows through me best when I am not focused on sharing how I am worried today.  Love is better expressed in sharing the joyful mess of who God has made me for today.  Like, there is only triumph for us now that we are in Christ and I don't understand why we so quickly forget that.

October is a hard month for me.  But I am learning it can be easier.

entitled to be frustrated?

It’s almost 5 AM, and I’m supposed to be filling the pastry case at work. Supposed to. Instead, I’m blogging in my car because my supervisor left his keys in his apron, which got locked in the building last night. For some reason, though, I’m not frustrated with him. I’m not irritated at all.  A little bummed because this cuts my hours short and I need all the money I can get, but not frustrated.  I have grace for this guy and his forgetfulness.

I’m reminded of all the moments I’ve struggled to live in God’s grace recently. Frustration and anger seem to be two of my most constant companions. Whether it’s because of vacuuming or missing out on friendship or poor grades or lost opportunity or hunger or exhaustion....my explosive emotions have been getting the better of me and everyone around me.

God, I’m so ready to be a spokesperson or ambassador for your grace. I want the people who don’t have or understand it to get it. But I forget, so often, that it’s as ready and available to me as clean drinking water. Thank you for continuing to teach me how to throw my irritation at the foot of the cross. I love you in Jesus’ name.

pumpkin spice starts in august

Lydia and I have been talking a lot about seasons of life, about our time at EBI coming to an end, about what we want to take away from this experience. Emmie and I have had similar conversations, about how crazy it is that we have new experiences yet a lot of the things we go through repeat on a circuit.  I mean, really, transition boils down to being a transition with all the typical feelings and decisions, regardless of age and experience. 

Preparing to leave Bible school feels a lot like the months before I arrrived here, even though the events are different.  Instead of leaving the Philippines and helping my grandmother make her doctor appointments, I am learning how to dreadlock hair and craft lattes. My sweet friend, Alisha, and I are trying to meet once a week. Tanner and I talk more and more about what the future looks like. Classes are increasingly missions-focused. 

It’s all good. And it’s also transition.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

summer snapshots

(Lydia and I on our way home from Bek’s wedding at the very beginning of summer. 20 hours one way is a long time.)

(Anna and Wes aren’t together, but that’s the joke 🤷🏼‍♀️)

(Tan and I at yet another wedding, laughing too hard like always)

(Tan and I went to a Brewers game with his family before I went to NY at the end of the summer to see my family.)

(During my visit home, I got to babysit my man Elijah.)

(I think the only thing I went to more than weddings this summer was the beach. Worth every second.)