No Amount of Coffee

How many days do I begin in the dark pre-dawn? I would venture to say nearly everyone, ever since high school. In my mind’s eye, I can see the morning star blink awake to wash my face in his radiance.  The world would be silent and steam would rise in wisps from the mug in my hands. If every morning could begin the way this day dream depicts, I imagine my life would be the picture of serenity. 

But that isn’t how I greet the rising sun. Instead, I propel myself toward the empty weight room to sweat for the better part of an hour before the sun awakes.  By the time I hustle back to my room and get through the shower, I’ve missed the first glimpses of light.  The sun is fully risen and my chance to say good morning to it with coffee and God’s Word is gone.

The mornings race away.  It isn’t how I want to be, but I try to fit too much into too few minutes. Maybe my pessimist is showing. 

Classes have begun.  I love learning and studying and discussing with people who share my core beliefs and love for God.  But that doesn’t mean they are exactly like me.  In fact, I am constantly amazed by how different we all are.

There is no lack of activities, either.  Everyone seems so friendly and close knit.  They play sports and games together every day with little or no regard for actual skill.  It’s hard for me to not hold my breath for the other shoe to fall.  Maybe it will.  But they tell me it won’t.

So why is this post titled “No Amount of Coffee”?  Partly from a line stuck in my head. (Shout out to The Weepies.) It is also a reminder to me.  No amount of anything will give me the extra time to make everything squeeze into inconceivable blocks of time. Stop trying to make the impossible work.  Just go do and do right.  Is that really very complicated?

Step One (or is it Step Two?)

Dorm rooms.  Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve never actually lived in one until today. Well, yesterday. Anyway the point is that I escaped dorm living for nearly a quarter of a century. No more.

After a brief stay at my parents’ home in NY, I have relocated to America’s Dairyland. A vegan in dairyland.  Granted, I actually didn’t know Wisconsin’s slogan until I got here and read the blurb on every license plate, but the facts don’t change. 

Both of these realities are inconsequential in the grand scheme of life. It is shocking how much thought insignificant things can hijack though. These temporary inconveniences are silly. I know they are.  I know I should be focusing on the fact that I’m in Dairyland for Bible school. The focal point of each moment should be, “how can I serve God radically right now?”  That’s how it should be.

How it is, is that I am afraid.  I am tired. I am uncomfortable. And these might just being growing pains. And everything is probably going according to plan. And obviously, Vivian, your humanity is ridiculous and if you would just chill out and trust God to give you the peace He literally promises to give, it actually will be okay.

Breathe in.

Step one was getting here.

Breathe out.

I am here.

Breathe in.

Step two is staying here.

Breathe out.

God is here.