12 oz oatmilk latte for vivian

Last Tuesday, I got a call from my doctor back in New York.  Over the past year and a half, we have been monitoring suspicious tissue on my cervix, and it's finally been determined that we need to do a good ol' scrape and test to figure out exactly what kind of alien business is happening on my insides.  That means I'm missing the last three weeks of my third semester at Bible school.  That means I need to start packing.  That means I need to figure out travel plans.  That means I can't actually plan too much, either.

On one hand, I'm nervous. The last time I went through any serious medical decision, I was young enough for my parents to talk it over with my doctor while I checked out mentally.  There is a huge part of me that wants my mom to do that for me still, but she can't.

On another hand, I remember how Danny encouraged me when I visited MTC earlier this year.  He encouraged me that this is clearly God's best for me within His plan.  Maybe this is the moment where I get to build relationships with a church back in New York.  Maybe this is time and space necessary to prepare me for a particular ministry, or maybe there is a ministry waiting for me back home that wouldn't be my first choice, but it is God's.

On a third hand, I've grown so used to the community here in Wisconsin, I'm a little afraid of the quiet backside of Summit, where I have all the time in the world to think and stew on life.  But it's also time to meditate on my God and how truly amazing He is.

The good news is that EBI is letting me finish my semester online, so I can keep on track to graduate in December.  So I'm just gonna drink my basic oat milk latte with Tanner and Wesley.  I'm going to play cards with Travis and Emmie.  I'm going to walk and pray with Jo and Lydia.  I'm going to chill with Martha.  I'm going to talk wedding business with Bek. I'm going to get dinner with Vick and Gaby.  And in two weeks I'm going to pack my car.  And it's going to be okay in the end, whatever the end is.

Letter No. 3

Hey Kid,  

I’m going to be real with you, this is the third letter I’m writing, but the first one isn’t in the mail
yet.  It’s a goal for this week is actually to put at least one of them in the mail.  Enough excuses, though, I’m about to lay Romans chapter 3 out for you! 

The chapter starts out with a hypothetical conversation between Paul and a Jew.  They’re
arguing about whether or not the Jew deserves God’s thumbs up (just so you know, NO ONE deserves God’s thumbs up, not even the Jew). To prove his point, Paul reminds his imaginary opponent about Psalm 51, in which David (the best Jew after Abraham) goes to court against God, and God is justified, not David!  God is the only One who can ever be announced right.  Paul uses a lot of Old Testament quotes to back up this idea, but then it finally gets good, Kid! 

Starting in verse 21, Paul announces that now, through Jesus’ death on the cross, God is giving His right status to everyone who believes that what Jesus did was enough.  In the Old Testament time period, God had set up for Israel a system of sacrifices that looked forward to what Jesus was going to do on the cross. Those sacrifices didn’t pay for Israel’s sin, it just covered for the sin like a credit card.  Then, when Jesus lived the whole Law out and died on the cross, all sin was paid for IN FULL by His blood.  Paul also announces that payment wasn’t just for the Jews, it was and is for anyone who will trust that Jesus’ payment is enough!  This doesn’t mean the law is dead and gone, it just means that it is fulfilled and now we get to live in Jesus’ fulfillment of it! 

How does this apply to my life today?  SO MUCH, KID!  I used to think that I could only fit into
God’s plan if I followed Jesus’ life exactly and obeyed the Law to its fullest extent.  I thought that was the only way God would be happy with me.  I trusted Jesus when He said He would save me in the Bible, but I also thought He would save me even though He was angry with me for failing at the Law every day.  I love this because it explains what it took so long for me to understand as a teenager. Jesus did everything for everyone; it’s simple.  All we have to do is trust Him that He did everything He says He did.  Of course, Paul is going to keep explaining the ins and outs of the salvation situation as we go, but I hope this letter encourages you

I love you, Kid.

Viv

Letter No. 2

Hey Kid, 
 You probably haven’t even received my first letter yet, but I’m here to tell you about Romans
chapter 2—the major points that hit me and how I want to apply them to my life right now.

Chapter 1 ended with the idea that God gave all of humankind over to the darkness, because they chose it over Him.  Remember this is a letter that didn’t have chapters when Paul wrote it, so chapter 2 follows in a similar vein.  Paul now focuses his attention on the guy that is going to be like, “Hey, I’m not as bad as these remote tribal people who worship demons.  I’m pretty good and I agree with God that those other people are bad, so God won’t punish me, right?” Wrong. 

Paul tells that guy straight out, “You aren’t good all the time, so you miss God’s standard of right-ness, too.  You’re just as bad as the other guy.” Through a number of hypothetical questions, Paul forces the “good-enough” guy to see that he isn’t good enough at all.

Finally, Paul talks straight at God’s chosen person, the Jew.  The Jew thinks that, between the Torah, the fact that he is circumcised (I know, weird), and his lineage from Abraham, he has enough to deserve a pass from God.  Paul smacks all of that into the garbage.  He says, “Nope. You have the Torah, and you teach it, but you don’t actually do it.  You fail to reach God’s standard, too!” 

The main focus toward the end of the chapter is that God doesn’t care tiddlywinks for the rules you follow if your heart doesn’t match up with your actions.  You can fool people into giving you a “good job” all you want; the reality is that only God’s “good job” matters. This all seems pretty dark, right?  It feels like we’re all in a ship that is sinking fast, and for most of humanity that’s true.  Kid, we can’t touch God’s right-ness on our own, but we both know how this story ends.

Keep reading these letters.  I promise that it gets brighter. 

The only question left is how to apply this to my life.  I think the main thing for me is that, with our background, I know a lot.  I know the rules, I know what this is supposed to look like, and I know that, in the past, I've stood on a soapbox to preach something I'm not living.  My prayer tonight is that God would keep softening my heart to recognize every effort of my own to reach His right-ness is pointless.  Like I said, this is a lot of talk about failure, but I know you know the solution for failure, too, and I'm about to write about it next time.

I love you, Kiddo

Viv

Letter No. 1

For nine weeks this semester, my class will be going through the book of Romans.  Part of our homework is, after each chapter, stopping and writing a letter to someone about what we've learned and how we can apply it to our lives.  While I'm pretty sure I know who I'm going to send my letters to, I also want to put it on here.  My hope is that maybe someone will find it encouraging:

 Hey, Kid!

We're starting this semester at school with a class on Romans. Each week, part of our homework is to write a letter about what we have learned to a non-student, so I chose you. Here we go!

You know that Romans is a letter from the Apostle Paul to the early Roman church.  It starts off with Paul introducing himself to the church as a servant of Jesus, an apostle, and as someone set apart.  It was really cool to see that he introduced himself as a servant first, because that was what he considered to be the most important thing for the Romans to know about him.  Then, they needed to understand that his teaching held the same authority as James or John, the early church leaders who walked with Jesus.  His title as an apostle gave him that authority. Finally, when Paul says he’s set apart, it explains how God saw Paul.  He had one job in God’s eyes—spreading the gospel, and that’s it.

The next thing that stood out to me was verse 15, which leads into the "theme verses" of the letter. Anyway, it talks about the news of Jesus' life, death and resurrection (which is the gospel) and how it is as much for people after they're saved as it was from them to become saved.  The gospel literally plays into every aspect of Christian life!  That concept goes forward into verses 16-17, where Paul basically says, "I am beyond proud of this Jesus story because it shows us how right God is and it gives salvation from sin because He gives His right-ness to people FREELY through Jesus!"  The big point you need to get is that God's salvation for people comes through trusting in God alone.



One more thing! Paul gets into explaining how God revealed Himself to everyone, even the most remote people groups, by His creation.  Kid, you have to read verses 20-23.  At one piont, everyone alive KNEW about God, BUT PEOPLE CHOSE NOT TO CHERISH THAT KNOWLEDGE, Kid!  Humankind actually CHOSE to forget God.  So what did God do?  He let them forget and gave them all the horrible consequences that went with choosing darkness over God's light.  He let them go, ready for them to realize how awful life was without Him, ready for them to turn back to Him.  They noticed, all right, but they got all excited about how horrible they could be instead of going back to God and His right-ness.

There is a lot more, but those are the highlights that stuck out to me the most.  Sometimes the hardest or most time-consuming part of learning all of this is how to apply it to my own life.  When I look back at how Paul introduced himself, I don’t think the first thing I’ve ever told someone about me is that I am a servant of Jesus Christ.  Honestly, I don’t that I’ve ever spoken or even thought of myself in those exact terms for any extended period of time until this class.  Kid…that probably (which means definitely) needs to change.  

 The other major thought that is going through my mind stems from the bit about what happened when people didn’t cherish their knowledge of God.  It reminds me of myself when I went to college for the first time. I feel like, for the first time, I am truly understanding how equal the playing field is between me and the unreached tribal nationals in Africa in terms of knowing God.

I love you and God loves you,

Viv

there and back again

It's crazy to think that Christmas and New Years Day have come and gone.  I've driven to New York, stopped in Ohio twice, driven back to Wisconsin, and stopped at a train station along the way.  We're amping up to do leadership training before the semester starts, then classes and work both kick off on Monday. 

Over the break, I was supposed to go to the doctor to have some tests run.  For the past two years, I have had abnormal results in other routine tests, and my PA suggested that it was time we took a closer look at things.  The first specialist didn't do any of the things she was supposed to do and, after further deliberation with my PA, we decided that I should see someone in a different practice.  My new doctor, however, isn't accepting new patients until March.  I feel like I've been waiting forever to find out what is going on in my body for certain, but the waiting isn't over.

Real talk: I'm not a patient person.  Like not at all.  I like to think I am, and I try to be when I'm dealing with other people, but I'm for sure not patient when it comes to dealing with myself.  I want to know what's wrong, why I'm feeling the way I feel, and what I can do about it, and I want to know all of it yesterday. And maybe that's why God's timing is working the way it is.  I need to wait on Him.  I need to trust Him. That's all.

Medical aspect of break aside, it was probably the most relaxing break I've had with my family in years.  We played a ridiculous amount of board games, ate all the time, stayed up late and slept in. Of course there were moments when we all got under each other's skin, and I'm 100% happy to be back at school, but my over-arching memory of the break is sweet.

On to Semester Three!

Semester 2

Two tests to go and Bible school is half over, which means I'm halfway to halfway prepared (or at least as prepared as I can be) to going overseas.  So what have I learned?

Today, as we closed out Acts with Adam Demark, he said something that I thought, in my humble opinion, was profound.  He said, "The book of Acts with the word 'unhindered,' not the death of the Apostles Paul, because it isn't about Paul.  This book has always been about the Holy Spirit who will always be triumphant while you and I are expendable."  And rather than being offended, it was probably the most comforting I've heard in a while.

His statement paired well with a challenge we received from Rick Barth in Bible Basis of Missions.  He was talking about discerning God's will and he stated, "I don't want a shout.  I want to be ready to hear the whisper." Meaning we should be so in tune with God's heart, so filled with the Holy Spirit, that God's will isn't a question.  Time and time again this semester I've been reminded of good ol' Roger's (that's my dad) words of wisdom all through high school and college.  "Is your heart to glorify God?  Then whatever you do won't be a mistake."  Pursuing God's heart isn't just half the battle of figuring out life, it's the whole battle.

So again, what have I learned?  At least from this most recent block (maybe I'll tackle the whole semester another time) life might not be easy, but that doesn't mean it was ever intended to be complicated.

more picture memories

(Emily, the lovely lady in the middle, and her husband open their home to me at least two or three nights a week.  They’re basically my school parents.)

(My CM chicas:)

(Definitely a garbage picture, but I like it anyway.  If you look closely, you can see where I have a butterfly bandage on my finger, where I lost a fight with a squash knife.)

Keepsake

I took sometime this afternoon to tuck some sweet notes of encouragement away in my journal.  This school never ceases to amaze me with the amount of people that go out of their way to show love to others.  The body of Christ is alive and active and I am blessed to be on the receiving end of its care so often. 

We’re half way through with semester numero dos, so I thought I might just take a minute to be fired up about some of the truth we’ve been talking about in class lately.  This week closes out nine-week studies on both Life of Christ and Prophets (mainly Isaiah, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel), and a three-week study on Man and Sin.  Man! I could spend forever ranting about how much sense Ezekiel makes when your perspective is to be in awe of and enamored with God’s radical glory.  Or about how comforted we can be in the reality that we’re all born dead and only once Christ is alive in us, that’s life!  The feelings of shame, fear, and guilt are signs of spiritual death and once alive, we are free from those chains! Can I get an amen?!

Have you ever heard the phrase, “To whom much has been given, much will be required”? Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s a verse in one of the Gospels. But either way it’s true!  I’ve been on the receiving end of so much care, and God has definitely been desirous to pour me out in return.  My introverted self has been taxed almost to the max.  I can’t remember the last time I was left alone to recharge for more than an hour in the gym before sunrise.  And yet, I have joy and the ability to continue to show love to the girls I live in community with on campus.  

this is for the best

I think I need to admit this to myself, as much as I should confess it publicly: it's all been a lie.  Autumn can't possibly be my favorite season  I mean, the crisp air is great, the color scheme is flawless, squash is in season and hot lattes are officially cozy.  You'd think--scratch that!  I thought it was my favorite season, hands down.  It should be!  But the sun is slowly spending more time wrapped in clouds and the days are growing shorter and cooler and I just want to be a hermit, wrapped in blankets like a human burrito.  Actual favorite season: July (also known as summer, but let's be real, they're basically synonymous in the northern midwest.)  Anyway, the weather is still nice enough for a morning/early afternoon walk and Lord knows I'll be taking one of those every day till snow sticks.

Shifting seasons aside, the past two weeks of class have been good.  Great, really.  Two weeks ago, it seemed like everyone was follow a theme of walking through trials, rather than trying to just get rid of them.  This exhortation was ridiculously timely.  1,000% honesty, there was (and continues to be) increasingly turbulent emotional situations in my dorm, to the extent that has us all asking, "When is it going to stop?"  The encouragement, though, is to walk through this.  So that's what we're going to do.  Everything I'm walking through, publicly or privately, is literally God's best for me and His glory.  And it's good.

Then, this week, the resounding note for me, at any rate, was, "Be who you are."  Now, I know that sounds very 21st century, but hang with me for a minute.  First, we were in 1 Peter during leadership chapel.  The challenge was to obey Christ's call to "be holy as I am holy," the point being that this is only possible because we, as believers, are literally dead except that Christ is alive in us.  All holiness is possible and even expected, if we're truly living our faith because every action will be dictated by who is truly alive in us: the great JC Himself.  Later, in Prophets class, we were finishing the book of Isaiah.  In the final chapters, Isaiah describes Messiah's armor WHICH IS THE SAME AS THE ARMOR WE ARE CALLED TO WEAR IN EPHESIANS 6.  Bros!  Be who you are!  Not only is Christ alive in you, but he's equipped you for battle, son!

I'm still fired up about it.

Everybody Else is Doing It

There has been an outline for this update in my notebook for at least a week. Actually, 6 days.  In any case, it was a thought process long before it even made it to my notebook.  So here I am, and here you are, and we’re about to have story time.  I’ll wait right here if you want to go make us some tea.

Ready?

Okay, so all my friends started writing their monthly updates, and I was like, “Well, I try to update a couple times a month, but I’m definitely due...what do I even say?”  It took me a while, but like I said, I made an outline, and for sure number one is blessings.  I cannot begin to describe how floored I am at how God continues to provide for my needs daily.  

I’ve been stressed about food and finances coming into this semester. What can I afford, what is my weekly budget, how do I live on $18 a week and remain healthy?  But man! does God provide! We’re talking a random gift of $100 specifically for groceries within the first week of school.  Now the past two weekends, a local farmer has been dropping spare produce off FOR FREE. And my roommate is working at a farm where she is not only allowed to bring produce home, but they’re sending stuff home with her specifically for me.  God is GOOD, my friends!

Point number two: Emanate.  Students from my school had the opportunity to spend the weekend at a training center for missionaries up in Canada.  We spent our time in their “jungle camp,” living in homes made from materials similar to those a missionary in a bush location might have to build.  The first day, we sat in sessions that laid out the experience of learning new language and culture.  On our second day, we were challenged to consider the cost of missions, and to consider the cost worth it.  

And that’s about it!  You and me, same time next week? I’ll bring the snacks to make it easier on you.

Bye for now :) 

This spider was straight up posing with the sun at Emanate. He deserved a feature on the blog.

praying this morning

Abba, Father God,
it hasn't been that long since we've talked
but there's a burden
lingering on my back as if I've
been ignoring You.
Can we please talk, God?
Just the two of us in the quiet,
us in the garden,
working through how this old, heavy weight
behind my eyes grew
to the point, oh God,
where I keep cracking my face into
crumbling concrete and
that's a metaphor for forgetting
everything You do.
Like how my life, God,
would be nothing (no, really, nothing;
like in a trash can,
like no recycling, just straight refuse)
if not, God, for You.
Abba, Father God,
my Security,  my Foundation,
my Resurrection,
replace this weight with holy freedom
to wholly worship You.

Leading by Following

I am back in Waukesha! FINALLY!  Of course, nothing slowed down like I hoped it would, but isn’t that how the cookie always crumbles?  Looking back on my last few posts, I realize I haven’t shared very much at all about this next year.  In light of that, I’m going to spend the next few paragraphs bringing this blog up to speed on the Bible school front.

I think (and by that I mean I’m 90% certain) I mentioned that I was chosen for leadership at the end of last semester.  I was kind of surprised to receive a leadership role going into my sophomore semester, but obviously stoked as well. The role I was given is a Christian ministry leader, which helps facilitate daily cleaning tasks on campus.  It sounds like I just got promoted to school janitor, and in some respects that might be true, but Christian life is about service that brings glory to God.  With that perspective, I’m honored to be chosen as a leader.

As a student leader, I was required to return to campus a couple weeks early for training.  Wow.  I don’t know if I can accurately express all the things God taught/reminded me of over the course of the last week.  We took part in seminars, small group sessions, and team building activities and each portion taught me so much.  But I think God used the free times and personal relationships to hammer home two key concepts from the training. First: humility is a daily decision to rely on God’s power; the moment I think I have achieved something because of my own merit, I am poised for personal and leadership failure.  I need to be ready and willing to follow God and learn from others. Second:  my actions and speech must be consistent with each other.  Integrity is vital for leadership, relationship building, and a successful  Christian life.

Now training is done.  Freshman are arriving and classes commence on Wednesday.  Just a glance at my course schedule for the next few months gives me goosebumps in both anticipation and apprehension.  We’re starting off big—Life of Christ, Prophets, Hermeneutics II, and Psalms right off the bat. Like every other transition in my life, I’m shaking in my boots...but really, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

The Blue Monster

“Do you ever feel like a sad, blue monster?”

“All the time.”

Note that the kid who answered that question is eight years old.  All the same...I relate, kid.  I relate so hard.

And yet, so much else is racing through my mind.

This morning, one of my friends asked me what one word would sum up my entire freshman semester at EBI.  Why do people do that? Why do we whittle things so far down that we can barely grasp what they are meant to embody?  My word was unexpected.

I have grown, but not in the cataclysmic ways I imagined I would.   This growth is a seed, just barely dipped in a stream, tucked away in warm earth, just beginning to break down the outer shell with its very first shoot. When I take stock of all the files waiting for storage space in my cluttered mind, God is ever present.  He has made me softer, more willing to stop and listen than to hurry up and fix it.

At the very beginning of the semester another new friend encouraged me to write down wisdom in a notebook separate from my school notes.  I didn’t.  But at the very front of my Bible, I have written two things that have been beaten over my head over and over the past few months.  I’ll share them with you and end this post with that.

1) Renewal of fellowship has always been God’s plan. He never planned to not send Christ.  This is integral and foundational and simple and also comforting.

2) Draw courage from God’s past faithfulness.  He is consistent.  If He’s been faithful once, He’ll be faithful again.  And that’s that.

Listen up, kids

This post is late. Very, very late. But sit on down and let me learn you a thing or two about vomit.

Oh yeah. Vomit.

Thing number one: if you leave vomit in an enclosed area for an extended period of time, when you open that area you will be slapped across the face with the scent of aged puke. 

Two weeks ago, that is exactly what happened when I opened the upper chapel bathroom, bright and early Monday morning.  All I needed to do was to make sure there was enough toilet paper.  Instead, the scent of foul chicken and stuffing forced its offensive tendrils up my nose.

Thing number two: if vomit has been left unattended in a sink for a period of twelve hours or more, it will be nearly impossible to clean without a paint scraper and a nose plug.

But I did it.  I got me some rubber gloves and a bottle of cleaner, and I did the best I could.  Come to find out, the toilet was entirely clean.  Not a trace of vomit on the thing.  My mystery puker decided his or her best course of action was to hurl their cookies into the unfortunately small sink, and finish the job in the trash can.  I sincerely hope they also had diarrhea, because that’s the only reason I will accept for the state of everything.

After I did my best to clean the sink, it still had to be plunged by maintenance.  We laughed about it through our disgust and you might think, “Surely that qualifies as a solid Monday.”

You’re wrong.

Tops an hour later, I dropped my phone (license, school ID and all) into an entirely separate toilet AS I WAS TRYING TO TAKE IT OUT OF MY POCKET SO IT WOULDN’T  DO JUST THAT!

And I said, “Why, Jesus?”

But it’s fine and I’m still using the toilet phone.

Different People

It’s funny how different names create a different person within the same body.  Miss V is alert.  She knows what we’re doing today and what’s allowed and how to fix things that hurt.  Vivian, on the other hand, is just happy to keep her eyes open through classes, asking God quietly why her body is the way it is.  Viv is a friend who hopefully listens but probably doesn’t have the answers.

Every day I am all three of these people, at the very least. Sometimes a new name appears and I have to figure out how she fits into the grander scheme of characters inside of me.  They’re all me.  It’s not a question of being genuine.  The question is how that name fits me and how I fit the situation.

Maybe there’s some crazy spiritual message here, but I don’t think so.  I’m learning to be careful of over-spiritualizing situations that might just be normal situations. Does that make sense?  I believe God is active and present every moment of every day.  That doesn’t mean every moment has an underlying revelation.

How much of what I thought I knew about the Bible is really wonky interpretation that I’ve read into the text?  It’s a scary, humbling thought. And that’s where I’ll leave you.

Red Eyes

I think I’ve written something by this title before. If you don’t mind, would you go back and check for me? Please and thank you.  If  I did, this is Red Eyes 2.0.

My desire today is to be honest without contention. (Is that the word I want?) The point is, I don’t want to be a whiner. You feel me?

Red eyes for two reasons. Or, rather, two facets of one reason. My stomach is in full rebellion, so I have red eyes from no sleep and red eyes from the horrible, terrible, awful, lingering gas that refuses to stay in my stomach. It’s clear the room gas.  It’s please kill me now gas.

But I guess nothing breaks the ice like a good fart, eh? These farts literally melt glacial planes. “If you smell something, it’s me.” “Oh it’s fine....OH MAN! IS THAT YOU?”

This is the part where I should have an object lesson. You know, when I say something about what God is teaching me through this and it’s funny but also healthy, embarrassing growing pains. Maybe humility? Or lay off the pistachios or canned pineapple or bananas or whatever did this to me? Excess of anything will ruin my guts for days, so remember moderation? Nah, it’s probably humility.

Until next time, humans.

Feel the Burn

When I took biology the first time I went through college, we learned about lactic build up in muscles.  For those of you who might not know (though I assume pretty much everyone knows this), that build up is what creates the burning sensation in exerted muscles.  According to Ms. Laberti the burn isn’t even good for you!  Her advice was, when you feel the burn, step back till it subsides, then continue.  Working out that way is supposedly better for your body.

But who listens to their biology teacher, right? So I do my best to push through the burn every day.  When I feel like I can’t take the burn anymore, I force myself to go another ten seconds. I’m proud of myself in the moment... 

(Hang with me. I have a point at the end of this.)

Then I get to the stairs. Four flights of them. And all I want to do is complain about my aching butt.  There I was, forcing my shaking legs up the stairs this morning, and the same thought that has been haunting me all week rose up in my mind:

How often do I complain just because it’s convenient or relatable? Is that really how I want people to relate to me? Because we have vent sessions every time we talk? Or do I want to let that die as Christ lives in me? Because God’s joy should be evident in every part of this crazy, busy life. Especially through the burn.

Step One (or is it Step Two?)

Dorm rooms.  Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve never actually lived in one until today. Well, yesterday. Anyway the point is that I escaped dorm living for nearly a quarter of a century. No more.

After a brief stay at my parents’ home in NY, I have relocated to America’s Dairyland. A vegan in dairyland.  Granted, I actually didn’t know Wisconsin’s slogan until I got here and read the blurb on every license plate, but the facts don’t change. 

Both of these realities are inconsequential in the grand scheme of life. It is shocking how much thought insignificant things can hijack though. These temporary inconveniences are silly. I know they are.  I know I should be focusing on the fact that I’m in Dairyland for Bible school. The focal point of each moment should be, “how can I serve God radically right now?”  That’s how it should be.

How it is, is that I am afraid.  I am tired. I am uncomfortable. And these might just being growing pains. And everything is probably going according to plan. And obviously, Vivian, your humanity is ridiculous and if you would just chill out and trust God to give you the peace He literally promises to give, it actually will be okay.

Breathe in.

Step one was getting here.

Breathe out.

I am here.

Breathe in.

Step two is staying here.

Breathe out.

God is here.