praying this morning

Abba, Father God,
it hasn't been that long since we've talked
but there's a burden
lingering on my back as if I've
been ignoring You.
Can we please talk, God?
Just the two of us in the quiet,
us in the garden,
working through how this old, heavy weight
behind my eyes grew
to the point, oh God,
where I keep cracking my face into
crumbling concrete and
that's a metaphor for forgetting
everything You do.
Like how my life, God,
would be nothing (no, really, nothing;
like in a trash can,
like no recycling, just straight refuse)
if not, God, for You.
Abba, Father God,
my Security,  my Foundation,
my Resurrection,
replace this weight with holy freedom
to wholly worship You.

I Actually Have Friends

(Part of my crew this year 😊 Left to right: Wesley, Mike, Emmie, me, Tanner)

(Emmie and I at Lake Superior for leadership training, even though you can’t see the lake. It’s there. I promise.)

(We’re very thug. And dramatic. And ridiculous.)

(And this picture is actually from my Montana trip with Gracie this summer, but I can’t talk about friends and not show off her beautiful face.)

People used to encourage me to be more outgoing and make friends because no man is an island, right?  Well, they were right and God has blessed me with some amazing human beings.

Leading by Following

I am back in Waukesha! FINALLY!  Of course, nothing slowed down like I hoped it would, but isn’t that how the cookie always crumbles?  Looking back on my last few posts, I realize I haven’t shared very much at all about this next year.  In light of that, I’m going to spend the next few paragraphs bringing this blog up to speed on the Bible school front.

I think (and by that I mean I’m 90% certain) I mentioned that I was chosen for leadership at the end of last semester.  I was kind of surprised to receive a leadership role going into my sophomore semester, but obviously stoked as well. The role I was given is a Christian ministry leader, which helps facilitate daily cleaning tasks on campus.  It sounds like I just got promoted to school janitor, and in some respects that might be true, but Christian life is about service that brings glory to God.  With that perspective, I’m honored to be chosen as a leader.

As a student leader, I was required to return to campus a couple weeks early for training.  Wow.  I don’t know if I can accurately express all the things God taught/reminded me of over the course of the last week.  We took part in seminars, small group sessions, and team building activities and each portion taught me so much.  But I think God used the free times and personal relationships to hammer home two key concepts from the training. First: humility is a daily decision to rely on God’s power; the moment I think I have achieved something because of my own merit, I am poised for personal and leadership failure.  I need to be ready and willing to follow God and learn from others. Second:  my actions and speech must be consistent with each other.  Integrity is vital for leadership, relationship building, and a successful  Christian life.

Now training is done.  Freshman are arriving and classes commence on Wednesday.  Just a glance at my course schedule for the next few months gives me goosebumps in both anticipation and apprehension.  We’re starting off big—Life of Christ, Prophets, Hermeneutics II, and Psalms right off the bat. Like every other transition in my life, I’m shaking in my boots...but really, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Looking Back

It’s been two years since I lived in Columbus.  Two years.  In some ways, I can’t believe it’s been so long, but it’s also hard to believe it hasn’t been longer.  There’s a desire (for better or for worse) to look back at the person I was then and draw up a list of the ways my life is different now.

Here’s the only way that can be a good thing: If this list brings me to my knees saying, “Lord, thank you for the work you have done and continue to do in my heart.  I know it’s all you, so thanks for using me.”

The temptation is to look at myself with the thought, “Wow, you’re so much better than you were then.  Look at you go, Viv! You’ve got this life thing in the bag.”  SO MANY LEVELS OF WRONG!

I guess the best part of driving into Reynoldsburg, OH yesterday was finally understanding one of the big takeaways God gave when I lived here.  I’d recognized the circumstance before, but I didn’t grasp the importance of it until I was driving into town, talking on the phone with Tanner as a sort of “stay awake” insurance. 

 Despite my niceness/kindness and my desire for the Lord two years ago, I was looking back on two years further back.  While I gave some of the credit to God, the proud self-exultation I mentioned above is pretty close to what I was thinking then.  I was convinced I was better, that I didn’t need to worry about my old pitfalls, that I was strong enough now. And that thought process landed me in just as much of a garbage situation as I had been.  So what is the lesson?

There is pride in every human heart, including mine.  Fostering it at all is a really bad move.  Every good thing is from God; every centimeter of growth is to God’s credit.  Vivian without Him is a haughty piece of trash, destined for mistakes and bad circumstances.  In light of this, my prayer is that God would continue to humble me and work in my heart to keep my perspective His perspective.

Just for kicks, here’s a lovely photograph that has nothing to do with my non-nephew who already loves me even though we’ve only met twice.