No Amount of Coffee

How many days do I begin in the dark pre-dawn? I would venture to say nearly everyone, ever since high school. In my mind’s eye, I can see the morning star blink awake to wash my face in his radiance.  The world would be silent and steam would rise in wisps from the mug in my hands. If every morning could begin the way this day dream depicts, I imagine my life would be the picture of serenity. 

But that isn’t how I greet the rising sun. Instead, I propel myself toward the empty weight room to sweat for the better part of an hour before the sun awakes.  By the time I hustle back to my room and get through the shower, I’ve missed the first glimpses of light.  The sun is fully risen and my chance to say good morning to it with coffee and God’s Word is gone.

The mornings race away.  It isn’t how I want to be, but I try to fit too much into too few minutes. Maybe my pessimist is showing. 

Classes have begun.  I love learning and studying and discussing with people who share my core beliefs and love for God.  But that doesn’t mean they are exactly like me.  In fact, I am constantly amazed by how different we all are.

There is no lack of activities, either.  Everyone seems so friendly and close knit.  They play sports and games together every day with little or no regard for actual skill.  It’s hard for me to not hold my breath for the other shoe to fall.  Maybe it will.  But they tell me it won’t.

So why is this post titled “No Amount of Coffee”?  Partly from a line stuck in my head. (Shout out to The Weepies.) It is also a reminder to me.  No amount of anything will give me the extra time to make everything squeeze into inconceivable blocks of time. Stop trying to make the impossible work.  Just go do and do right.  Is that really very complicated?

Step One (or is it Step Two?)

Dorm rooms.  Don’t tell anyone, but I’ve never actually lived in one until today. Well, yesterday. Anyway the point is that I escaped dorm living for nearly a quarter of a century. No more.

After a brief stay at my parents’ home in NY, I have relocated to America’s Dairyland. A vegan in dairyland.  Granted, I actually didn’t know Wisconsin’s slogan until I got here and read the blurb on every license plate, but the facts don’t change. 

Both of these realities are inconsequential in the grand scheme of life. It is shocking how much thought insignificant things can hijack though. These temporary inconveniences are silly. I know they are.  I know I should be focusing on the fact that I’m in Dairyland for Bible school. The focal point of each moment should be, “how can I serve God radically right now?”  That’s how it should be.

How it is, is that I am afraid.  I am tired. I am uncomfortable. And these might just being growing pains. And everything is probably going according to plan. And obviously, Vivian, your humanity is ridiculous and if you would just chill out and trust God to give you the peace He literally promises to give, it actually will be okay.

Breathe in.

Step one was getting here.

Breathe out.

I am here.

Breathe in.

Step two is staying here.

Breathe out.

God is here.

The Twilight Zone

I stand in the dark predawn in my parents' kitchen.  My breakfast is eaten and my coffee brewed.  The sky yawns from violet to rose, then rose to peach, and from peach to wintry blue. This used to be my daily life until something changed. I think that something is me.

A week has passed since I arrived back in the USofA.  My siblings and friends have lives that cannot be put on hold and I can't help feeling like I need a schedule, too.  Schedules, in this culture, define a person's usefulness.  So where does that leave me?

At first, I had excuses.  My mom and older sister took me shopping so I would have more to wear than pajamas.  Then I joined my mother in daily running around.  It was fun and it was good to spend time with her... But there is something in this country that says, "No job, no worth. No deadlines, no good. No paycheck, no purpose."

The little voice that seemed so strong while I was in the Philippines fights to be heard. "Your worth is not in careers or cash.  Look to your Heavenly Father.  He's already got this."  I want to listen.  I'm trying. Really, I am.

Cultural Sponge

I don't know if Shannon planned on this week being a total immersion in Filipino history and culture, but that is what it feels like.  We spend our days running around the city, hitting up historical landmarks and catching all different sorts of public transportation.  For the first time in my life, I paid to use a public bathroom. The selfie-less year ended with a bang at the Selfie Museum.  (To be fair, Shannon took pictures of me. So, technically, the pictures taken there were not actually selfies.)  After our jam-packed days, I do my best to journal as much as I can remember.

With that said, I'm reminded to be grateful for this season of fun.  The next step looms just on the horizon.  But godliness with contentment is great gain. Tomorrow will be able to handle her own worries; today is for basking in the very sticky, smoggy Manila sun.

The Day Came

Photo credentials for some of these go to my sweet friend Pip.

(Heading up to the helicopter together)

(Loading up)

(Back on the ground)

(Aerial view of the village)

Extra Weight

My latest in a series of confessions: I absolutely adore stripping my possessions down to the bare essentials.  Whether I'm getting a bag ready for a day hike or loading my gear-hauler for an Trans-Atlantic flight, it's all about getting rid of everything I don't need.  The feeling of giving/throwing away dust-collecting stuff is nothing short of blissful freedom.

Once again, the spiritual application for this smacked me with a massive Fuji.  (For anyone who doesn't share my childhood memories, we used to thump one another in the forehead with the heel of a hand and yell "Fuji!"  It's unclear to me exactly how that became a common practice, but anyway...)  How many times in Scripture are the heavily burdened called to come to rest in Christ?  Christ literally calls his yoke easy and his burden light.  I mean, how much more blatant can a guy be!

Matthew 11:28-29 says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."  God knows our histories.  He has watched as we stumble through life picking up extra weight and worries along the way, but He doesn't leave us stooped and burdened.  Instead, we are invited to the cross where Jesus says (and, in case you need clarification, I'm paraphrasing here), "You're a traveler, an alien on this earth. Why are you carrying the entire Encyclopedia Britannica on a day hike? Let it go.  Carry this tote instead, it has everything you'll need till you're home with me." 

I love how, even in the midst of a slightly bewildering transition, God uses concepts as simple as getting rid of extra possessions to remind me of Him.  Whatever awaits, whatever does or doesn't make it over the ocean with me, this is just a day trip.  Why bother with the extra weight when the One who knows everything says, "Don't worry.  Drop your bag. Carry mine instead.  Really, just walk like Me; you'll be home before you know it."

Budding Botanists

In honor of our final outdoor expedition for botany, here are some photos of my young scientists.  It has been a true blessing to watch them learn and grow and get excited about the world we have the privilege of living in!