praying this morning

Abba, Father God,
it hasn't been that long since we've talked
but there's a burden
lingering on my back as if I've
been ignoring You.
Can we please talk, God?
Just the two of us in the quiet,
us in the garden,
working through how this old, heavy weight
behind my eyes grew
to the point, oh God,
where I keep cracking my face into
crumbling concrete and
that's a metaphor for forgetting
everything You do.
Like how my life, God,
would be nothing (no, really, nothing;
like in a trash can,
like no recycling, just straight refuse)
if not, God, for You.
Abba, Father God,
my Security,  my Foundation,
my Resurrection,
replace this weight with holy freedom
to wholly worship You.

I Actually Have Friends

(Part of my crew this year 😊 Left to right: Wesley, Mike, Emmie, me, Tanner)

(Emmie and I at Lake Superior for leadership training, even though you can’t see the lake. It’s there. I promise.)

(We’re very thug. And dramatic. And ridiculous.)

(And this picture is actually from my Montana trip with Gracie this summer, but I can’t talk about friends and not show off her beautiful face.)

People used to encourage me to be more outgoing and make friends because no man is an island, right?  Well, they were right and God has blessed me with some amazing human beings.

Leading by Following

I am back in Waukesha! FINALLY!  Of course, nothing slowed down like I hoped it would, but isn’t that how the cookie always crumbles?  Looking back on my last few posts, I realize I haven’t shared very much at all about this next year.  In light of that, I’m going to spend the next few paragraphs bringing this blog up to speed on the Bible school front.

I think (and by that I mean I’m 90% certain) I mentioned that I was chosen for leadership at the end of last semester.  I was kind of surprised to receive a leadership role going into my sophomore semester, but obviously stoked as well. The role I was given is a Christian ministry leader, which helps facilitate daily cleaning tasks on campus.  It sounds like I just got promoted to school janitor, and in some respects that might be true, but Christian life is about service that brings glory to God.  With that perspective, I’m honored to be chosen as a leader.

As a student leader, I was required to return to campus a couple weeks early for training.  Wow.  I don’t know if I can accurately express all the things God taught/reminded me of over the course of the last week.  We took part in seminars, small group sessions, and team building activities and each portion taught me so much.  But I think God used the free times and personal relationships to hammer home two key concepts from the training. First: humility is a daily decision to rely on God’s power; the moment I think I have achieved something because of my own merit, I am poised for personal and leadership failure.  I need to be ready and willing to follow God and learn from others. Second:  my actions and speech must be consistent with each other.  Integrity is vital for leadership, relationship building, and a successful  Christian life.

Now training is done.  Freshman are arriving and classes commence on Wednesday.  Just a glance at my course schedule for the next few months gives me goosebumps in both anticipation and apprehension.  We’re starting off big—Life of Christ, Prophets, Hermeneutics II, and Psalms right off the bat. Like every other transition in my life, I’m shaking in my boots...but really, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Looking Back

It’s been two years since I lived in Columbus.  Two years.  In some ways, I can’t believe it’s been so long, but it’s also hard to believe it hasn’t been longer.  There’s a desire (for better or for worse) to look back at the person I was then and draw up a list of the ways my life is different now.

Here’s the only way that can be a good thing: If this list brings me to my knees saying, “Lord, thank you for the work you have done and continue to do in my heart.  I know it’s all you, so thanks for using me.”

The temptation is to look at myself with the thought, “Wow, you’re so much better than you were then.  Look at you go, Viv! You’ve got this life thing in the bag.”  SO MANY LEVELS OF WRONG!

I guess the best part of driving into Reynoldsburg, OH yesterday was finally understanding one of the big takeaways God gave when I lived here.  I’d recognized the circumstance before, but I didn’t grasp the importance of it until I was driving into town, talking on the phone with Tanner as a sort of “stay awake” insurance. 

 Despite my niceness/kindness and my desire for the Lord two years ago, I was looking back on two years further back.  While I gave some of the credit to God, the proud self-exultation I mentioned above is pretty close to what I was thinking then.  I was convinced I was better, that I didn’t need to worry about my old pitfalls, that I was strong enough now. And that thought process landed me in just as much of a garbage situation as I had been.  So what is the lesson?

There is pride in every human heart, including mine.  Fostering it at all is a really bad move.  Every good thing is from God; every centimeter of growth is to God’s credit.  Vivian without Him is a haughty piece of trash, destined for mistakes and bad circumstances.  In light of this, my prayer is that God would continue to humble me and work in my heart to keep my perspective His perspective.

Just for kicks, here’s a lovely photograph that has nothing to do with my non-nephew who already loves me even though we’ve only met twice.

Summer Poetry pt 2

control freak:

not afraid to die

just afraid

I won’t know it’s time

chronic doubter:

knowing God’s promise

but still needing

to check and make sure

class A windbag:

convinced I know best

though history

proves otherwise true

cleansed by Christ’s blood:

empowered by the

Holy Spirit

to die to myself

chosen by God:

free from old habits

with liberty 

to live in His truth

control freak,

chronic doubter,

class A windbag,

but then Grace.

And the Valleys

I feel like I start every post the same way these days. “Hey, I swear I had the best intentions to update weekly, but I fell short again, so I’m going to try to cram three weeks into four paragraphs. Thanks for sticking with me! (Has anyone stuck with me?)” To quote my little sister, it’s fine. Really, everything is fine.

June faded into July far too quickly and July began with me on a Montana-bound airplane with Gracie and her cousin Katie. (Quick plug for Glacier Nat’l Park.  You need to go.  If you think creation has made you stand in awe of God before, just wait till you’re standing on a lookout across the peaks of the Rockies. Wow.) Actually, I’m going to continue off that parenthetical statement.  For the entire duration of our trip, I had one overarching question ricocheting from one side of my brain to the other:

Where did the mountains come from?  Did God create them in the very beginning, or are they one of the results of Noah’s flood?

At first this question doesn’t seem like a big deal, right?  It’s like, “Whatever.  They’re awe-inspiring anyway.”  But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to matter.  Here’s why: if God created them in the beginning, they’re just a testament to His creative power.  If, however, they are from the flood, aren’t they then a lasting testament of God’s intolerance for sin and His rightful power to bring terrible judgment?  And what if the answer is both?

For most people the distinction might not be very important, but I’m a mountain-loving kind of girl.  Every time I look across the craggy peaks, my heart swells.  This trip didn’t take that swell away...it just provided the contrasting valley.  It almost said, “Yes, these mountains attest to the glory of God AND how that glory cannot dwell in the presence of sin.”

That was kind of a big deal for me.  In fact, it was such a big deal that I’m going to end this post here.  Think about it.  And I’ll be back before too long.

I Wrote This on a Newspaper

Seriously, I did.  Not for any particular reason, other than I wanted to see how it would look (I’ll attach a picture at the end).  Of course, surrounding circumstances were such that I haven’t updated my blog recently and there was no normal paper at my disposal.  

It strikes me as funny that I have this ridiculous impulse to maintain a significant measure of privacy surrounding my personal life AND YET, here I am, prepairing to bare a portion of my soul to the internet.  What gives? In all honest truth, there are portions I reserve the right to keep personal, at least for now.  It’s only fair.

Rewind. Why don’t you have any other paper to write on, Vivian?  Good question with a simple answer.  I work on a fruit farm and it’s a rainy day.  I have to remain at my post, but if no customers arrive, I am free to fill my time as I wish (i.e. write this blog post).

But, Viv, how do you have customers at a fruit farm? Aren’t you doing field work? What happened there? I’ll tell you. Bohringer’s hired a woman to run their u-pick wagon for the summer, but there was a misunderstanding and she is only available on weekends, while the farm needs her every day.  The solution: yours truly.  Now I do field work from 5 a.m. to 8 a.m., then I run the wagon until 6 p.m. and tell people where to pick strawberries and take their money when they’re done.

Not a bad gig, you say.  And in most cases and many places, that is true.  There’s always a catch, though, and I’m starting to realize God consistently uses the snags in my life to teach me what I need to know.  This snag is my lovely introversion.

Some days the flow of cars is slow and I relish spending time consciously focusing on the needs of each person.  Just now, as I’ve been writing this, I stopped for fifteen minutes to talk to a woman who is extraordinarily passionate about the New York State Museum. I didn’t even know that was a thing!  But I love those moments because I am able to engage with them in God’s love and smile and truly care about what they have to say.

The busy days are, without a doubt, more difficult for me. People scurry in and out of the field like ants on hyperdrive as I try to direct the newcomers and make change for the exiting pickers quickly and concisely.  Those two jobs seem easy enough, but wait until you have six carloads of impatient people waiting on each line and then tell me it isn’t overwhelming and stressful. On our busiest day this season, I held it together until I got home and thought about making dinner. At the very notion of cutting up squash, I burst into tears.

I share this, partly because it’s real life, but mostly because I rejoice that God sustained my “too much people” meter throughout the entire 13 hour day.  He let me smile at each customer and help them graciously. Who cares if I had a meltdown at home?

Another reason to rejoice is that I officially have enough money to pay for my next semester at EBI in full! (Amen, amen!)

And while the work hours are long, my life has had some play in it as well.  Gracie and I were able to take our almost annual lazy day at the beach a couple of weeks ago, and enjoyed a weekend camping trip before that.  Last weekend I enjoyed some really awesome fellowship with Emmie, who is interning with Ethnos360 at Wayumi in PA. 

Now my summer is already beginning to wind down.  I’m excited for the adventures yet to come, but I’m also stoked for everything the next semester will bring.

And I think that’s it!