awol summer

June and July are for sure the worst months for me in remembering to blog, and I think it’s because every day feels so painfully long. It isn’t that there aren’t things to write about, because there are. Examples: Andy and Martha’s wedding, the trip to and from Arkansas, moving rooms and trading roomies again, buying health insurance, parks and rec life, going to the Milwaukee Art Museum and seeing Georgie O’Keeffe paintings in real life for the first time.  Life is full and sweet and still my heart struggles to be content.

I forget to be grateful for the 70 wild kids I get to work with every day. I fail to bask in the simplicity of quiet mornings with Tan before work.  I’m afraid of the coming semester, changing jobs, and I feel so insecure and unsteady. But here’s both the good and bad part: I didn’t actually realize I was feeling any of this specifically until yesterday. I was just feel sorry for myself about everything and really it’s just me putting my attention where it doesn’t belong. So I wrote a little poem and I think I’ll leave it here, at the end of this post.

You were imperfect in creation

but you were good before the world began.

That’s why I made you blind to your own image;

that’s why it’s called the fall of man

when his gaze fell from my intention.

I never meant for you to look at you.

Your eyes were made for me alone

and eyes that wander in distraction

lose sight of the one upon the throne;

I never wanted you to block your own view.

Look at me. See the good.

Loot at me.  Stop comparing man to God.

Look at me. I made you for my glory.

Look at me. Lift your eyes to life above.

Look at me. Let your gaze look where it should.

we are parks and rec

Sometimes I wonder if working with Leslie Knope would be better than my actual boss at parks and rec, but I’m also not there because of my boss. Kids like E, who need help making friends on day one and have a whole posse on day two, are why parks and rec is a good time. Or kids like A, five years old and as saucy as the day is long, who just smile and the whole world seems right. Literally, my job is to build relationships with elementary aged kids while playing outside all day long and it’s hard, but 100% worth it.

All of that to say, pray for me and my employment next semester. While working with parks and rec has been an awesome fit, working split shifts Monday through Friday during the semester has been difficult.  So much so that I struggled to invest in work, classes, and classmates well. In an effort to truly engage in the community around me, I’m asking God to provide work that would allow me to have a single shift a day, with enough pay that I can afford this next semester and possibly save for the next step.

✌🏼

stillframes

Sometimes I wish pictures were like Harry Potter pictures, capturing not only a moment, but personality and feeling. As it is, here are some recent normal pictures of normal people in my normal life.

(My sweet friend Bek got married!)

(Lydia and I drove 32+ hours without air conditioning to be a part of her wedding)

(Tan and I, plus Wes and Nikki and Christian, went to Devil’s Lake last weekend)

(No caption needed 😍)

was it 26

There’s a song by the Charlie Daniels Band called “Was It 26” and it’s basically about how his life crashed and burned when he was twenty-five...or was it twenty-six? And that’s for sure not where my life is at right now, but it could have been. It should have been. But God.

I always get a little introspective this time of year, though, and it’s funny where those rabbit holes come out in my thought process. Like I’ve been thinking about goals that different people have and sometimes we call them dreams and that’s great.  Sometimes we have different pursuits but we meet someone incredible and we try to borrow their dreams. I wonder if that ever works out well for anyone.  Conversely, sometimes we just meet someone who genuinely has the same motivators pushing them toward the same goal we have. It’s organic and genuine and beautiful.

Earlier this year, I thought maybe I would be able to think of twenty-six things I’ve learned since my last birthday. That isn’t going to happen. But I will share some highlights.

1) Sharing the most intimate nooks and crannies of your brain will be one of the most terrifying, rewarding, freeing things you ever do, if you can. For the past four years, I have faithfully (ish) kept a journal, thanks to my friend Jim Purdie. Now those raw, sometimes foul, thoughts are in the possession of my sweet friend Lydia. It’s crazy how much good it has done both of us.

2) Contentment is fluid. If you cannot continue to learn and grow and adjust within contentment, your life will grow stagnant and stale no matter the situation, no matter how well you are thriving right now.

3) Everything, literally everything, can and will be used for God’s greatest good for your life.  Even when you’re being a stubborn moron, even when you’re ignoring Him, even in adverse consequence because of disobedience, God will not abandon you. Not now, not ever. 

cucumber lime oolong tea, iced please

"It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup."

Not really, but it has been three weeks since I sat in Brewers Two with a small drink and let my thoughts wander.  I made the unfortunate mistake of parking on the street today.  Oh well.  The world spins on.

Being back at Brewers means I am back in Wisconsin, which means the dreaded doctor visits are done...for now.  Current verdict is that I will return for a check up every six months for the next year or two. At that point, if nothing has changed, I will need a more in depth procedure.  Until then, I get to enjoy my summer and press on toward the end of Bible school.

On my flight back to WI from my sister's nursing graduation in TX (proud of you, Mer!), I listened to a TED talk given by Anne Lamott.  I'm not convinced of her spiritual grounding nor what she fully believes in, but something she said beaned me a good one: "A good name for God is 'Not Me'."  You're right, Anne.  Through the past while of oscillation, my heart has never been more convinced that God is present, loving, and active.  Now that a lull of comfortable clarity has been achieved, I wonder if that is what this has all been about.

May Flowers

Last Friday, I drove home to NY for doctor appointments, which I’m still waiting on results from.  However, my mom and I went for coffee the other morning and as I looked out the window at bright spring blooming around us, I was just reminded of God’s wild attention to detail, His happiness with our wonder at His creative world around us, how slow and all together swift time and seasons are. I hope, friend, you like  the flowers as much as I did.

12 oz oatmilk latte for vivian

Last Tuesday, I got a call from my doctor back in New York.  Over the past year and a half, we have been monitoring suspicious tissue on my cervix, and it's finally been determined that we need to do a good ol' scrape and test to figure out exactly what kind of alien business is happening on my insides.  That means I'm missing the last three weeks of my third semester at Bible school.  That means I need to start packing.  That means I need to figure out travel plans.  That means I can't actually plan too much, either.

On one hand, I'm nervous. The last time I went through any serious medical decision, I was young enough for my parents to talk it over with my doctor while I checked out mentally.  There is a huge part of me that wants my mom to do that for me still, but she can't.

On another hand, I remember how Danny encouraged me when I visited MTC earlier this year.  He encouraged me that this is clearly God's best for me within His plan.  Maybe this is the moment where I get to build relationships with a church back in New York.  Maybe this is time and space necessary to prepare me for a particular ministry, or maybe there is a ministry waiting for me back home that wouldn't be my first choice, but it is God's.

On a third hand, I've grown so used to the community here in Wisconsin, I'm a little afraid of the quiet backside of Summit, where I have all the time in the world to think and stew on life.  But it's also time to meditate on my God and how truly amazing He is.

The good news is that EBI is letting me finish my semester online, so I can keep on track to graduate in December.  So I'm just gonna drink my basic oat milk latte with Tanner and Wesley.  I'm going to play cards with Travis and Emmie.  I'm going to walk and pray with Jo and Lydia.  I'm going to chill with Martha.  I'm going to talk wedding business with Bek. I'm going to get dinner with Vick and Gaby.  And in two weeks I'm going to pack my car.  And it's going to be okay in the end, whatever the end is.