Last Tuesday, I got a call from my doctor back in New York. Over the past year and a half, we have been monitoring suspicious tissue on my cervix, and it's finally been determined that we need to do a good ol' scrape and test to figure out exactly what kind of alien business is happening on my insides. That means I'm missing the last three weeks of my third semester at Bible school. That means I need to start packing. That means I need to figure out travel plans. That means I can't actually plan too much, either.
On one hand, I'm nervous. The last time I went through any serious medical decision, I was young enough for my parents to talk it over with my doctor while I checked out mentally. There is a huge part of me that wants my mom to do that for me still, but she can't.
On another hand, I remember how Danny encouraged me when I visited MTC earlier this year. He encouraged me that this is clearly God's best for me within His plan. Maybe this is the moment where I get to build relationships with a church back in New York. Maybe this is time and space necessary to prepare me for a particular ministry, or maybe there is a ministry waiting for me back home that wouldn't be my first choice, but it is God's.
On a third hand, I've grown so used to the community here in Wisconsin, I'm a little afraid of the quiet backside of Summit, where I have all the time in the world to think and stew on life. But it's also time to meditate on my God and how truly amazing He is.
The good news is that EBI is letting me finish my semester online, so I can keep on track to graduate in December. So I'm just gonna drink my basic oat milk latte with Tanner and Wesley. I'm going to play cards with Travis and Emmie. I'm going to walk and pray with Jo and Lydia. I'm going to chill with Martha. I'm going to talk wedding business with Bek. I'm going to get dinner with Vick and Gaby. And in two weeks I'm going to pack my car. And it's going to be okay in the end, whatever the end is.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
April Showers
It never ceases to amaze me how the things I love are the first to fall by the wayside when my soul is tired.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Home, about the future, about the dull exhaustion headache always behind my eyes. In this past week of break at home, I remembered how easy it is to fall back into my old pattern. I barely read any of my Bible, felt guilty when I wanted time alone, and allowed the numb apathy of depression to hold sway or my thoughts and actions. For the first time, I consider dropping out of Bible school. The thought of coming back was unbearable and overwhelming.
Why does everything feel so mountainous?
How will anything make me care?
A couple things stood out to me this morning, and while they haven’t exactly fixed everything that has gone haywire in my brain, it’s good for thought.
Number One: Job 42:1-2 - “Then Job answered the LORD and said: “I know that you can do all things and no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”
Number Two: a quote from Paul Stutzman.
“I walk through the low valleys on this trail and see dead trees and decaying matter and I’m reminded of the death of Jesus. But I continue on to higher elevations and see new growth and new life that reminds me of His resurrection.
“That’s the rhythm of our spiritual lives too. We walk through valleys, we lose loved ones, we suffer, we struggle, we experience many kinds of deaths. We travel on and we reach a higher plane, where we pause to enjoy the views, look back to remember where we came from and look forward to mysteries still ahead of us.
“But we do not stay on the exhilarating mountaintop. If we sat there and never moved on, the views would no longer be enjoyable. And so we go on, just as we do on the trail.
“After valleys and struggles and even deaths, we always have the hope of new life. Someday we’ll pass through the last valley and finally reach the last mountaintop and we’ll never be bored by the glorious view that awaits us there.”
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