tired eyes

it's a tired time. it's been a tired time. and i know this tired time won't end any moment too soon.

i find my attention span has the circumference of a dime. i see messages from friends and think of a response, only to scroll away before i actually type anything. i get lost in thought and then can't find the forest for the trees in my own head, which makes it very hard to think of a way to share my thoughts and express how life has been going. here goes trying...

in the words of my sister, Gracie and I have gotten the band back together.  when her stint in Alaska ended, she decided she might try out the Midwest for a little while...so she's staying with Tan and I while she finds a job and an apartment. some people have asked, "is it difficult having her stay with you in the midst of classes and being pregnant?" short answer: no.

for the past couple months, i've been telling my mom, "i wish you were here to make food for me, because i know i need to eat something, i just can't think of anything." and, sure, Grace isn't my mom, but having her here has done a complete overhaul on my diet. noodles. roasted vegetables. different fruits. greens. and even though my eyes are tired and acid reflux is still my constant companion, i'm thankful and eating healthy once again.

April Showers

It never ceases to amaze me how the things I love are the first to fall by the wayside when my soul is tired. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about Home, about the future, about the dull exhaustion headache always behind my eyes. In this past week of break at home, I remembered how easy it is to fall back into my old pattern. I barely read any of my Bible, felt guilty when I wanted time alone, and allowed the numb apathy of depression to hold sway or my thoughts and actions. For the first time, I consider dropping out of Bible school. The thought of coming back was unbearable and overwhelming.

Why does everything feel so mountainous?

How will anything make me care?

A couple things stood out to me this morning, and while they haven’t exactly fixed everything that has gone haywire in my brain, it’s good for thought.

Number One: Job 42:1-2 - “Then Job answered the LORD and said: “I know that you can do all things and no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”

Number Two: a quote from Paul Stutzman.

“I walk through the low valleys on this trail and see dead trees and decaying matter and I’m reminded of the death of Jesus. But I continue on to higher elevations and see new growth and new life that reminds me of His resurrection.

“That’s the rhythm of our spiritual lives too. We walk through valleys, we lose loved ones, we suffer, we struggle, we experience many kinds of deaths. We travel on and we reach a higher plane, where we pause to enjoy the views, look back to remember where we came from and look forward to mysteries still ahead of us.

“But we do not stay on the exhilarating mountaintop. If we sat there and never moved on, the views would no longer be enjoyable. And so we go on, just as we do on the trail.

“After valleys and struggles and even deaths, we always have the hope of new life. Someday we’ll pass through the last valley and finally reach the last mountaintop and we’ll never be bored by the glorious view that awaits us there.”

Red Eyes

I think I’ve written something by this title before. If you don’t mind, would you go back and check for me? Please and thank you.  If  I did, this is Red Eyes 2.0.

My desire today is to be honest without contention. (Is that the word I want?) The point is, I don’t want to be a whiner. You feel me?

Red eyes for two reasons. Or, rather, two facets of one reason. My stomach is in full rebellion, so I have red eyes from no sleep and red eyes from the horrible, terrible, awful, lingering gas that refuses to stay in my stomach. It’s clear the room gas.  It’s please kill me now gas.

But I guess nothing breaks the ice like a good fart, eh? These farts literally melt glacial planes. “If you smell something, it’s me.” “Oh it’s fine....OH MAN! IS THAT YOU?”

This is the part where I should have an object lesson. You know, when I say something about what God is teaching me through this and it’s funny but also healthy, embarrassing growing pains. Maybe humility? Or lay off the pistachios or canned pineapple or bananas or whatever did this to me? Excess of anything will ruin my guts for days, so remember moderation? Nah, it’s probably humility.

Until next time, humans.