upon commencement

we are moving in less than a month. it will be my seventh move in eight years, my second with Tanner and our first with Arlo. how do we clean, pack, drive, unpack, settle in, etc. with a baby? thousands, maybe millions, of people have done it. it's possible for sure, but we've never done it before. how do we know we're doing it right?

updating our friends and family has not gotten easier for me since Arlo's birth. the days seem to pass in a twilight zone and I am lost in a flurry of paperwork, study, and preparation for the future. this morning I was encouraged by an elderly Brazilian missionary. he said, "the only thing you cannot do is give up...for the work God has ahead of you. it is not the work you will do that will count, but the work God does through you that will last for eternity." I share that because this flurry is blurring my vision. I'm struggling to see what I have to do and what will just be, does that make sense?

like, God is working through me, yes, but if I never fill out the paperwork that needs to be filled out, will we ever get where we need to go? probably not. so what are my responsibilities and where does God say, "no matter what you do, Vivian, I have ordained this to take place"?

that's where we are right now. 

moving forward and waiting for answers.

things i am afraid of

 i am afraid that my son will stop breathing while i am asleep.

i am afraid that he sleeps too much.

i am afraid that he doesn't eat enough.

i am afraid that i don't engage his developing mind while he is awake.

i am afraid of the future:

will i know what he needs to grow well?

will i allow him to do dangerous things carefully?

i'm not just afraid of things with my son;

i am afraid of slacking.

i am afraid of myself.

and i know that all of my cares and fears and worries should be cast on Christ. i know these burdens aren’t necessary for me to carry alone, yet they’re all twisted and tangled up in my mind and they’re hard to sort from the thoughts that are helpful.

we’ve survived for six weeks, but survival isn’t the goal. we want to thrive. so i’m praying, Lord, let us thrive.

gracefully

 i've written before about how i don't think i'm doing this pregnancy thing very gracefully.  in the beginning i thought, "maybe i'm like Mary. maybe i just need to treasure all of this in my heart." but i haven't done a very good job of treasuring these months either.

there are just so many places i've been allowed to value way more than i should without anyone noticing until now.  without myself noticing. without recognizing.

like, i don't resent my son for making my thighs bigger than they've ever been, do i?  if there is resentment, it's aimed at myself for not exercising enough or eating healthily enough during pregnancy. but what would enough of those things have looked like? couldn't my body have changed anyway?  isn't that the natural order of life for some women? i shouldn't be crippled by the fear that i might never fit into my favorite pair of jeans again, but i am.

or how about the way i want Tanner to need me. i want him to value me for all the ways i make his life better. do i then resent myself anew because all i've been able to do for the past nine months is ask for his help?

 and so i avoid social media and connecting with people i love because i feel toxic. i wouldn't want to spend time with me or hear me talk about my struggles for months on end.  i barely know how to express them in this short post sent into the void.  how do i share this with the people who care, but probably can't help?

and where have i left room for God in this?  how much control over health, wellness, success, survival, etc. do i think i have? apparently way more than i actually do. as my friend Lindsay says, "Jesus, help."

help me be at peace with the way things are.

help me place value where You place it.

help me grow, hopefully, gracefully.

tired eyes

it's a tired time. it's been a tired time. and i know this tired time won't end any moment too soon.

i find my attention span has the circumference of a dime. i see messages from friends and think of a response, only to scroll away before i actually type anything. i get lost in thought and then can't find the forest for the trees in my own head, which makes it very hard to think of a way to share my thoughts and express how life has been going. here goes trying...

in the words of my sister, Gracie and I have gotten the band back together.  when her stint in Alaska ended, she decided she might try out the Midwest for a little while...so she's staying with Tan and I while she finds a job and an apartment. some people have asked, "is it difficult having her stay with you in the midst of classes and being pregnant?" short answer: no.

for the past couple months, i've been telling my mom, "i wish you were here to make food for me, because i know i need to eat something, i just can't think of anything." and, sure, Grace isn't my mom, but having her here has done a complete overhaul on my diet. noodles. roasted vegetables. different fruits. greens. and even though my eyes are tired and acid reflux is still my constant companion, i'm thankful and eating healthy once again.

meditation on psalm 97

imagine

fire from heaven

spreading before Jesus 

when he walked with men.

imagine

the clouds around him,

darkness shielding us from him.

imagine lightning.

imagine mountains melting.

imagine the ocean unmoving.

that is a Jesus 

who would have rejected humility,

who would have come in righteous glory,

and every nation

would have fallen

in despair—

and while he will come like that someday,

he came as person,

as approachable as he could in those days,

so someday,

when he comes in terrifying glory,

we can rejoice

in the the king who sacrificed 

himself for our pardon,

who delivered us from

circumstance

and consequence,

so give thanks to his holy name.

talking about truth

 we've been talking a lot about truth these days.  

how do we define truth? 

do we own the truth we know,

 or do we merely believe it without internalizing? 

do we hold truth closer than doubt? 

do we live in it even without the affirmation of others? 

do we replace truth with conviction?

are the answers to these questions applicable to our generation,

or just me in my situation?

this isn't a poem, it's a pondering. a friend here at the training center has been surveying our classmates in pursuit of the answers to these questions, and he is convinced millennials and gen-z are moving to a place where doubt is at the core of everything we believe or become convicted of. we are a generation bent toward tolerance and flexibility and the idea of absolute truth strikes us as improbable.  

i am convinced of the absolute truth of God and His Word. i know that. and yet, when someone asks me, "what would science have to do to prove God does not exist?" i consider the question.  it feels wrong not to consider the question. does that mean i have a core of doubt? what does typing this say about me and my beliefs?

i believe the truth that God is love, because i have experienced it. i believe the truth that God offers peace that passes understanding, because i am unsure of many things in many ways but i know He walks with me every step of the way, and that soothes my soul. but are there places where i hold my doubt closer than the truth i know?

i thought today was the third

do i treat people,

all people,

like the image of God?

no.

not even all God’s people —

His saints, His children.

why?

i'm not sure, but i

realized today that my

son will be raised believing

a woman is what i am,

whether i tell him that or not.

and i want to give him

the honor,

the responsibility,

the knowledge that

all people bear God’s image, that

worth is not assigned by 

size, color, sexuality, or shape,

and especially not by his human say.

worth is assigned 

because our Holy God designed 

that body for that soul 

and He set that heart in motion 

with air He breathed from heaven 

and if that isn’t worthy 

of decency 

and respect 

and patience 

and gentleness 

and love, nothing is.

my son will learn this or he won’t 

and it will be the result 

of how i treat people — 

not just when they’re with me, 

but when their backs are turned 

and i in turn 

talk about them and what will i say?

what will he hear?

will he learn that people are worthy of his decency? 

not because he felt so 

but because God said so. 

will he see God’s image as holy? 

not just in the Bible 

but in the faces of humanity.

do I treat people, 

all people, 

like the image of God?