stillframes

Sometimes I wish pictures were like Harry Potter pictures, capturing not only a moment, but personality and feeling. As it is, here are some recent normal pictures of normal people in my normal life.

(My sweet friend Bek got married!)

(Lydia and I drove 32+ hours without air conditioning to be a part of her wedding)

(Tan and I, plus Wes and Nikki and Christian, went to Devil’s Lake last weekend)

(No caption needed 😍)

was it 26

There’s a song by the Charlie Daniels Band called “Was It 26” and it’s basically about how his life crashed and burned when he was twenty-five...or was it twenty-six? And that’s for sure not where my life is at right now, but it could have been. It should have been. But God.

I always get a little introspective this time of year, though, and it’s funny where those rabbit holes come out in my thought process. Like I’ve been thinking about goals that different people have and sometimes we call them dreams and that’s great.  Sometimes we have different pursuits but we meet someone incredible and we try to borrow their dreams. I wonder if that ever works out well for anyone.  Conversely, sometimes we just meet someone who genuinely has the same motivators pushing them toward the same goal we have. It’s organic and genuine and beautiful.

Earlier this year, I thought maybe I would be able to think of twenty-six things I’ve learned since my last birthday. That isn’t going to happen. But I will share some highlights.

1) Sharing the most intimate nooks and crannies of your brain will be one of the most terrifying, rewarding, freeing things you ever do, if you can. For the past four years, I have faithfully (ish) kept a journal, thanks to my friend Jim Purdie. Now those raw, sometimes foul, thoughts are in the possession of my sweet friend Lydia. It’s crazy how much good it has done both of us.

2) Contentment is fluid. If you cannot continue to learn and grow and adjust within contentment, your life will grow stagnant and stale no matter the situation, no matter how well you are thriving right now.

3) Everything, literally everything, can and will be used for God’s greatest good for your life.  Even when you’re being a stubborn moron, even when you’re ignoring Him, even in adverse consequence because of disobedience, God will not abandon you. Not now, not ever. 

cucumber lime oolong tea, iced please

"It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup."

Not really, but it has been three weeks since I sat in Brewers Two with a small drink and let my thoughts wander.  I made the unfortunate mistake of parking on the street today.  Oh well.  The world spins on.

Being back at Brewers means I am back in Wisconsin, which means the dreaded doctor visits are done...for now.  Current verdict is that I will return for a check up every six months for the next year or two. At that point, if nothing has changed, I will need a more in depth procedure.  Until then, I get to enjoy my summer and press on toward the end of Bible school.

On my flight back to WI from my sister's nursing graduation in TX (proud of you, Mer!), I listened to a TED talk given by Anne Lamott.  I'm not convinced of her spiritual grounding nor what she fully believes in, but something she said beaned me a good one: "A good name for God is 'Not Me'."  You're right, Anne.  Through the past while of oscillation, my heart has never been more convinced that God is present, loving, and active.  Now that a lull of comfortable clarity has been achieved, I wonder if that is what this has all been about.

May Flowers

Last Friday, I drove home to NY for doctor appointments, which I’m still waiting on results from.  However, my mom and I went for coffee the other morning and as I looked out the window at bright spring blooming around us, I was just reminded of God’s wild attention to detail, His happiness with our wonder at His creative world around us, how slow and all together swift time and seasons are. I hope, friend, you like  the flowers as much as I did.

12 oz oatmilk latte for vivian

Last Tuesday, I got a call from my doctor back in New York.  Over the past year and a half, we have been monitoring suspicious tissue on my cervix, and it's finally been determined that we need to do a good ol' scrape and test to figure out exactly what kind of alien business is happening on my insides.  That means I'm missing the last three weeks of my third semester at Bible school.  That means I need to start packing.  That means I need to figure out travel plans.  That means I can't actually plan too much, either.

On one hand, I'm nervous. The last time I went through any serious medical decision, I was young enough for my parents to talk it over with my doctor while I checked out mentally.  There is a huge part of me that wants my mom to do that for me still, but she can't.

On another hand, I remember how Danny encouraged me when I visited MTC earlier this year.  He encouraged me that this is clearly God's best for me within His plan.  Maybe this is the moment where I get to build relationships with a church back in New York.  Maybe this is time and space necessary to prepare me for a particular ministry, or maybe there is a ministry waiting for me back home that wouldn't be my first choice, but it is God's.

On a third hand, I've grown so used to the community here in Wisconsin, I'm a little afraid of the quiet backside of Summit, where I have all the time in the world to think and stew on life.  But it's also time to meditate on my God and how truly amazing He is.

The good news is that EBI is letting me finish my semester online, so I can keep on track to graduate in December.  So I'm just gonna drink my basic oat milk latte with Tanner and Wesley.  I'm going to play cards with Travis and Emmie.  I'm going to walk and pray with Jo and Lydia.  I'm going to chill with Martha.  I'm going to talk wedding business with Bek. I'm going to get dinner with Vick and Gaby.  And in two weeks I'm going to pack my car.  And it's going to be okay in the end, whatever the end is.

April Showers

It never ceases to amaze me how the things I love are the first to fall by the wayside when my soul is tired. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about Home, about the future, about the dull exhaustion headache always behind my eyes. In this past week of break at home, I remembered how easy it is to fall back into my old pattern. I barely read any of my Bible, felt guilty when I wanted time alone, and allowed the numb apathy of depression to hold sway or my thoughts and actions. For the first time, I consider dropping out of Bible school. The thought of coming back was unbearable and overwhelming.

Why does everything feel so mountainous?

How will anything make me care?

A couple things stood out to me this morning, and while they haven’t exactly fixed everything that has gone haywire in my brain, it’s good for thought.

Number One: Job 42:1-2 - “Then Job answered the LORD and said: “I know that you can do all things and no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”

Number Two: a quote from Paul Stutzman.

“I walk through the low valleys on this trail and see dead trees and decaying matter and I’m reminded of the death of Jesus. But I continue on to higher elevations and see new growth and new life that reminds me of His resurrection.

“That’s the rhythm of our spiritual lives too. We walk through valleys, we lose loved ones, we suffer, we struggle, we experience many kinds of deaths. We travel on and we reach a higher plane, where we pause to enjoy the views, look back to remember where we came from and look forward to mysteries still ahead of us.

“But we do not stay on the exhilarating mountaintop. If we sat there and never moved on, the views would no longer be enjoyable. And so we go on, just as we do on the trail.

“After valleys and struggles and even deaths, we always have the hope of new life. Someday we’ll pass through the last valley and finally reach the last mountaintop and we’ll never be bored by the glorious view that awaits us there.”

Flash Flood Warning

My friend, Anna, is really worried that, as Wisconsin (hopefully) warms into spring, the large snowbanks will cause flash flooding.  We laugh at her, whether or not she's right, because pretty much everyone I know will trade a couple flash floods for windchills above the negative degrees.

It's been so long since I've written about what's going on in my personal life.  I mean, I can't remember the last time I wrote a journal entry longer than three sentences, let alone wrote a blog post that wasn't a school assignment. Sometimes (most times) I want to give myself a pass on posting because, let's be real, my only reader right now is my mother.  Even she barely reads this.  But then I remember the point is just to keep the practice of writing regularly for when I'm in a ministry position where writing consistently actually matters.

With that in mind, let's go through the brownie-frownie exercise.

Brownie: I got to go to the Ethnos360 Missionary Training Center down in Missouri last weekend. Honestly, I didn't even go because I wanted an exposure trip to convince me to go there when I'm done in Wisconsin. Some of the sweetest people I've been blessed to know are currently on interim staff down at the MTC: part of my Philippines fam, the Brooks.  Once again, they have been a complete answer to prayer. Over the past month, I've really been feeling the need for someone older and wiser, who's been where I want to go, to sit me down and challenge my thinking.  That's exactly what Danny and Pip did.  From my worries about having a home church, to finding financial support for 2 years at MTC and after, to my mounting anxiety about my next visit to the doctor over spring break, they challenged the way I was approaching each situation.

Frownie (but really a brownie, too): On the way back to Wisconsin from Missouri, my car broke down.  We were only 20 minutes from the MTC campus, so friends were able to come rescue us, but my car wasn't fixable at 10 pm on a Saturday night.  I had to be back for work early, so I caught a ride back to Wisconsin with a school van while Tanner and Michael waited with my car through Sunday.  In the end, one of the main belts had broken and more steering lines had rotted out.  I was amazed at how the community of Christ just completely came together in the situation.  People who don't even know me personally towed my car back to campus, figured out what parts I needed, purchased them, and fixed the car.  All free of charge to me.  In the end, Tanner and Michael got the car back to Wisconsin barely 24 hours after me.  At first, I saw the surface blessing of God providing people coming through to help me. BUT THEN! Guys, I literally wouldn't have been able to afford my car breaking any other place in any other way.  Like, God knew that and planned this minor inconvenience to take care of me.  He's always providing.  Every moment.  Why do I ever think I know what's best for me?

And that's where I'm at.