thankfulness in color

(in my dotage, i am learning to fall asleep anywhere and be thankful for the moments of rest)

(i have a family full of love and i am thankful for my time with them)

(i have friends and they are full of love, too)

(tanner is home and there is all the love to be shared)

I am worried and thankful, so I guess I must choose peace, but with people like this, it is much easier to make that choice.

if i were...

If I were to write a blog post I would write about how God has provided a place for Lydia and I to live.

I would write about opportunities to relax and spend time with girls that I barely know and yet feel so connected with.

If I had the words, I would wax poetic about my desire to be certain that I am not an emotional, verbal bulldozer.

It might be worth telling about some truth nuggets from class.

But it’s hard to be faithful to a blog no one reads.  I’ve always had this vision in my head of a time when some of God’s people want to support me as a missionary.  Then, because I was faithful with an online journal, they would have access to me and God’s work in me over the years. And I still have that dream. 

I’m learning that breaks are okay if they have a purpose.  I’m learning that patience and waiting does not always mean proactive pestering in the white noise.  I’m learning that it’s okay to be ready for changes I’ve never even imagined being ready for until now.

Tanner is in Africa, practicing this whole missionary thing, and we couldn’t talk for a while. When we finally could talk, I informed him that he has ruined me. He cleans my car when it gets snow on it, he buys me snacks and coffee, he listens to me when I’m fragile and I cry.  I’m spoiled and also happy and I miss him. And I’m thankful for him. And for some reason he loves me back and it blows my mind.

And if I were to write a blog, I would say that the future looks bright and hopeful and plain old full. 

where has all the time gone?

I am overwhelmed with lists.

There is a list for things that need to be done on my phone: messages checked, emails responded to, figure out how to get the cloud to stop telling me my phone can't back up... A list for homework, additional promises, future plans, insurance, food prep...All of it to attempt to make sense of time spinning faster than my hands can catch.

I am learning that I don't pray the way I ought.  We've been going through Daniel and the man fell on his face three times a day to talk to the God he knew was holy, and I think to Him.  I cast my stray thoughts to Him in moments, but I do not know how to bow in prayer for more than ten minutes at a time.  And they're sporadic minutes.  Not that I need a prayer schedule, but something needs to change because Daniel was a man of God and people knew it and I want people to know it about me, too.

The days are shorter and colder.  Some days it feels like my friends are shorter and colder, too.  This isn't bitterness, because I see the sweet moments we have.  I mean that they are tired, and worn, and this world seems so heavy for all the young Christians around me.  They are world weary, when I think we are meant to be heavenly.  Why do the cares of this life mean so much to all of us? 

October is a hard month for me.  The second hardest is February.  They're claustrophobic months that creep into my sense like snakes looking for an extra skin.  These are the months that I need to remember God is sovereign.  Over my feelings.  Over my worries.  Over my cares.  And over all of the feelings and worries and cares carried by the world around me.  And God is love.  Love is defined by Him.  I am learning that love flows through me best when I am not focused on sharing how I am worried today.  Love is better expressed in sharing the joyful mess of who God has made me for today.  Like, there is only triumph for us now that we are in Christ and I don't understand why we so quickly forget that.

October is a hard month for me.  But I am learning it can be easier.

entitled to be frustrated?

It’s almost 5 AM, and I’m supposed to be filling the pastry case at work. Supposed to. Instead, I’m blogging in my car because my supervisor left his keys in his apron, which got locked in the building last night. For some reason, though, I’m not frustrated with him. I’m not irritated at all.  A little bummed because this cuts my hours short and I need all the money I can get, but not frustrated.  I have grace for this guy and his forgetfulness.

I’m reminded of all the moments I’ve struggled to live in God’s grace recently. Frustration and anger seem to be two of my most constant companions. Whether it’s because of vacuuming or missing out on friendship or poor grades or lost opportunity or hunger or exhaustion....my explosive emotions have been getting the better of me and everyone around me.

God, I’m so ready to be a spokesperson or ambassador for your grace. I want the people who don’t have or understand it to get it. But I forget, so often, that it’s as ready and available to me as clean drinking water. Thank you for continuing to teach me how to throw my irritation at the foot of the cross. I love you in Jesus’ name.

pumpkin spice starts in august

Lydia and I have been talking a lot about seasons of life, about our time at EBI coming to an end, about what we want to take away from this experience. Emmie and I have had similar conversations, about how crazy it is that we have new experiences yet a lot of the things we go through repeat on a circuit.  I mean, really, transition boils down to being a transition with all the typical feelings and decisions, regardless of age and experience. 

Preparing to leave Bible school feels a lot like the months before I arrrived here, even though the events are different.  Instead of leaving the Philippines and helping my grandmother make her doctor appointments, I am learning how to dreadlock hair and craft lattes. My sweet friend, Alisha, and I are trying to meet once a week. Tanner and I talk more and more about what the future looks like. Classes are increasingly missions-focused. 

It’s all good. And it’s also transition.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

summer snapshots

(Lydia and I on our way home from Bek’s wedding at the very beginning of summer. 20 hours one way is a long time.)

(Anna and Wes aren’t together, but that’s the joke 🤷🏼‍♀️)

(Tan and I at yet another wedding, laughing too hard like always)

(Tan and I went to a Brewers game with his family before I went to NY at the end of the summer to see my family.)

(During my visit home, I got to babysit my man Elijah.)

(I think the only thing I went to more than weddings this summer was the beach. Worth every second.)

august means update

Maybe you’ve never missed a job so much you thought about paying to be able to do it again, but let me tell you, friends, I’m there.  This whole summer I have missed early mornings out in the blueberry patch, knowing that I am working hard. So when I headed home for these two weeks, I thought I might pay a small chunk and pick berries for a few hours. But I forgot that my parents have blueberry bushes planted outside their kitchen window waiting to be picked. In fact, I forgot until my little brother suggested I pick the berries Thursday morning. There aren’t words to describe how stupidly happy that made me.

Going home has been an incredible time of rest. From having the sweetest seat-mate on the 22+ hour train ride, to seeing my best friend and two of my brothers within hours of coming home, to backpacking with Grace in the green mountains, to spending an afternoon with my Nan. I get to write and knit and watch Ugly Delicious and Chef’s Table on Netflix. I get to take my mornings for prayer and coffee.

Everyone always says rest is important and I rarely believe them. I’m excited for the upcoming semester and my graduation in December. I’m excited to be back in Waukesha in two weeks. But it’s two weeks away. So I’m also excited to finally rest.

awol summer

June and July are for sure the worst months for me in remembering to blog, and I think it’s because every day feels so painfully long. It isn’t that there aren’t things to write about, because there are. Examples: Andy and Martha’s wedding, the trip to and from Arkansas, moving rooms and trading roomies again, buying health insurance, parks and rec life, going to the Milwaukee Art Museum and seeing Georgie O’Keeffe paintings in real life for the first time.  Life is full and sweet and still my heart struggles to be content.

I forget to be grateful for the 70 wild kids I get to work with every day. I fail to bask in the simplicity of quiet mornings with Tan before work.  I’m afraid of the coming semester, changing jobs, and I feel so insecure and unsteady. But here’s both the good and bad part: I didn’t actually realize I was feeling any of this specifically until yesterday. I was just feel sorry for myself about everything and really it’s just me putting my attention where it doesn’t belong. So I wrote a little poem and I think I’ll leave it here, at the end of this post.

You were imperfect in creation

but you were good before the world began.

That’s why I made you blind to your own image;

that’s why it’s called the fall of man

when his gaze fell from my intention.

I never meant for you to look at you.

Your eyes were made for me alone

and eyes that wander in distraction

lose sight of the one upon the throne;

I never wanted you to block your own view.

Look at me. See the good.

Loot at me.  Stop comparing man to God.

Look at me. I made you for my glory.

Look at me. Lift your eyes to life above.

Look at me. Let your gaze look where it should.

we are parks and rec

Sometimes I wonder if working with Leslie Knope would be better than my actual boss at parks and rec, but I’m also not there because of my boss. Kids like E, who need help making friends on day one and have a whole posse on day two, are why parks and rec is a good time. Or kids like A, five years old and as saucy as the day is long, who just smile and the whole world seems right. Literally, my job is to build relationships with elementary aged kids while playing outside all day long and it’s hard, but 100% worth it.

All of that to say, pray for me and my employment next semester. While working with parks and rec has been an awesome fit, working split shifts Monday through Friday during the semester has been difficult.  So much so that I struggled to invest in work, classes, and classmates well. In an effort to truly engage in the community around me, I’m asking God to provide work that would allow me to have a single shift a day, with enough pay that I can afford this next semester and possibly save for the next step.

✌🏼

stillframes

Sometimes I wish pictures were like Harry Potter pictures, capturing not only a moment, but personality and feeling. As it is, here are some recent normal pictures of normal people in my normal life.

(My sweet friend Bek got married!)

(Lydia and I drove 32+ hours without air conditioning to be a part of her wedding)

(Tan and I, plus Wes and Nikki and Christian, went to Devil’s Lake last weekend)

(No caption needed 😍)

was it 26

There’s a song by the Charlie Daniels Band called “Was It 26” and it’s basically about how his life crashed and burned when he was twenty-five...or was it twenty-six? And that’s for sure not where my life is at right now, but it could have been. It should have been. But God.

I always get a little introspective this time of year, though, and it’s funny where those rabbit holes come out in my thought process. Like I’ve been thinking about goals that different people have and sometimes we call them dreams and that’s great.  Sometimes we have different pursuits but we meet someone incredible and we try to borrow their dreams. I wonder if that ever works out well for anyone.  Conversely, sometimes we just meet someone who genuinely has the same motivators pushing them toward the same goal we have. It’s organic and genuine and beautiful.

Earlier this year, I thought maybe I would be able to think of twenty-six things I’ve learned since my last birthday. That isn’t going to happen. But I will share some highlights.

1) Sharing the most intimate nooks and crannies of your brain will be one of the most terrifying, rewarding, freeing things you ever do, if you can. For the past four years, I have faithfully (ish) kept a journal, thanks to my friend Jim Purdie. Now those raw, sometimes foul, thoughts are in the possession of my sweet friend Lydia. It’s crazy how much good it has done both of us.

2) Contentment is fluid. If you cannot continue to learn and grow and adjust within contentment, your life will grow stagnant and stale no matter the situation, no matter how well you are thriving right now.

3) Everything, literally everything, can and will be used for God’s greatest good for your life.  Even when you’re being a stubborn moron, even when you’re ignoring Him, even in adverse consequence because of disobedience, God will not abandon you. Not now, not ever. 

cucumber lime oolong tea, iced please

"It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup."

Not really, but it has been three weeks since I sat in Brewers Two with a small drink and let my thoughts wander.  I made the unfortunate mistake of parking on the street today.  Oh well.  The world spins on.

Being back at Brewers means I am back in Wisconsin, which means the dreaded doctor visits are done...for now.  Current verdict is that I will return for a check up every six months for the next year or two. At that point, if nothing has changed, I will need a more in depth procedure.  Until then, I get to enjoy my summer and press on toward the end of Bible school.

On my flight back to WI from my sister's nursing graduation in TX (proud of you, Mer!), I listened to a TED talk given by Anne Lamott.  I'm not convinced of her spiritual grounding nor what she fully believes in, but something she said beaned me a good one: "A good name for God is 'Not Me'."  You're right, Anne.  Through the past while of oscillation, my heart has never been more convinced that God is present, loving, and active.  Now that a lull of comfortable clarity has been achieved, I wonder if that is what this has all been about.

May Flowers

Last Friday, I drove home to NY for doctor appointments, which I’m still waiting on results from.  However, my mom and I went for coffee the other morning and as I looked out the window at bright spring blooming around us, I was just reminded of God’s wild attention to detail, His happiness with our wonder at His creative world around us, how slow and all together swift time and seasons are. I hope, friend, you like  the flowers as much as I did.

12 oz oatmilk latte for vivian

Last Tuesday, I got a call from my doctor back in New York.  Over the past year and a half, we have been monitoring suspicious tissue on my cervix, and it's finally been determined that we need to do a good ol' scrape and test to figure out exactly what kind of alien business is happening on my insides.  That means I'm missing the last three weeks of my third semester at Bible school.  That means I need to start packing.  That means I need to figure out travel plans.  That means I can't actually plan too much, either.

On one hand, I'm nervous. The last time I went through any serious medical decision, I was young enough for my parents to talk it over with my doctor while I checked out mentally.  There is a huge part of me that wants my mom to do that for me still, but she can't.

On another hand, I remember how Danny encouraged me when I visited MTC earlier this year.  He encouraged me that this is clearly God's best for me within His plan.  Maybe this is the moment where I get to build relationships with a church back in New York.  Maybe this is time and space necessary to prepare me for a particular ministry, or maybe there is a ministry waiting for me back home that wouldn't be my first choice, but it is God's.

On a third hand, I've grown so used to the community here in Wisconsin, I'm a little afraid of the quiet backside of Summit, where I have all the time in the world to think and stew on life.  But it's also time to meditate on my God and how truly amazing He is.

The good news is that EBI is letting me finish my semester online, so I can keep on track to graduate in December.  So I'm just gonna drink my basic oat milk latte with Tanner and Wesley.  I'm going to play cards with Travis and Emmie.  I'm going to walk and pray with Jo and Lydia.  I'm going to chill with Martha.  I'm going to talk wedding business with Bek. I'm going to get dinner with Vick and Gaby.  And in two weeks I'm going to pack my car.  And it's going to be okay in the end, whatever the end is.

April Showers

It never ceases to amaze me how the things I love are the first to fall by the wayside when my soul is tired. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about Home, about the future, about the dull exhaustion headache always behind my eyes. In this past week of break at home, I remembered how easy it is to fall back into my old pattern. I barely read any of my Bible, felt guilty when I wanted time alone, and allowed the numb apathy of depression to hold sway or my thoughts and actions. For the first time, I consider dropping out of Bible school. The thought of coming back was unbearable and overwhelming.

Why does everything feel so mountainous?

How will anything make me care?

A couple things stood out to me this morning, and while they haven’t exactly fixed everything that has gone haywire in my brain, it’s good for thought.

Number One: Job 42:1-2 - “Then Job answered the LORD and said: “I know that you can do all things and no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”

Number Two: a quote from Paul Stutzman.

“I walk through the low valleys on this trail and see dead trees and decaying matter and I’m reminded of the death of Jesus. But I continue on to higher elevations and see new growth and new life that reminds me of His resurrection.

“That’s the rhythm of our spiritual lives too. We walk through valleys, we lose loved ones, we suffer, we struggle, we experience many kinds of deaths. We travel on and we reach a higher plane, where we pause to enjoy the views, look back to remember where we came from and look forward to mysteries still ahead of us.

“But we do not stay on the exhilarating mountaintop. If we sat there and never moved on, the views would no longer be enjoyable. And so we go on, just as we do on the trail.

“After valleys and struggles and even deaths, we always have the hope of new life. Someday we’ll pass through the last valley and finally reach the last mountaintop and we’ll never be bored by the glorious view that awaits us there.”

Flash Flood Warning

My friend, Anna, is really worried that, as Wisconsin (hopefully) warms into spring, the large snowbanks will cause flash flooding.  We laugh at her, whether or not she's right, because pretty much everyone I know will trade a couple flash floods for windchills above the negative degrees.

It's been so long since I've written about what's going on in my personal life.  I mean, I can't remember the last time I wrote a journal entry longer than three sentences, let alone wrote a blog post that wasn't a school assignment. Sometimes (most times) I want to give myself a pass on posting because, let's be real, my only reader right now is my mother.  Even she barely reads this.  But then I remember the point is just to keep the practice of writing regularly for when I'm in a ministry position where writing consistently actually matters.

With that in mind, let's go through the brownie-frownie exercise.

Brownie: I got to go to the Ethnos360 Missionary Training Center down in Missouri last weekend. Honestly, I didn't even go because I wanted an exposure trip to convince me to go there when I'm done in Wisconsin. Some of the sweetest people I've been blessed to know are currently on interim staff down at the MTC: part of my Philippines fam, the Brooks.  Once again, they have been a complete answer to prayer. Over the past month, I've really been feeling the need for someone older and wiser, who's been where I want to go, to sit me down and challenge my thinking.  That's exactly what Danny and Pip did.  From my worries about having a home church, to finding financial support for 2 years at MTC and after, to my mounting anxiety about my next visit to the doctor over spring break, they challenged the way I was approaching each situation.

Frownie (but really a brownie, too): On the way back to Wisconsin from Missouri, my car broke down.  We were only 20 minutes from the MTC campus, so friends were able to come rescue us, but my car wasn't fixable at 10 pm on a Saturday night.  I had to be back for work early, so I caught a ride back to Wisconsin with a school van while Tanner and Michael waited with my car through Sunday.  In the end, one of the main belts had broken and more steering lines had rotted out.  I was amazed at how the community of Christ just completely came together in the situation.  People who don't even know me personally towed my car back to campus, figured out what parts I needed, purchased them, and fixed the car.  All free of charge to me.  In the end, Tanner and Michael got the car back to Wisconsin barely 24 hours after me.  At first, I saw the surface blessing of God providing people coming through to help me. BUT THEN! Guys, I literally wouldn't have been able to afford my car breaking any other place in any other way.  Like, God knew that and planned this minor inconvenience to take care of me.  He's always providing.  Every moment.  Why do I ever think I know what's best for me?

And that's where I'm at.

Letter No. 5

Hey Kid,

We left off in chapter 4 with Paul making it clear that God’s thumbs-up only comes from trusting
Him in what He’s said. That’s how we get into God’s family—by trusting Him that He meant it when He said He would count Jesus’ death as payment for my sin.  But what does life look like after that?  Do I just trust God and then move on? 

Obviously, you have kind of a heads up from my last letter that the answer to that second question is a fat no. Chapter 5 starts to deal with those questions, with what being in God’s family actually looks like.  The chapter starts out by telling us exactly what we get when we join God’s family: peace with
God (because when we were out of His family, we were always going to be hostile with Him, but now things are different), grace (that’s God’s thumbs-up to me, because Jesus deserves God’s thumbs-up and gives it to me), confidently and joyfully looking forward to looking good with God because He changes me to be like Him, the ability to be joyful when life gets tough, and the assurance that I will never be disappointed that I joined God’s family.

A little further on, Paul talks about our fickle feelings. We get worried (or at least I know I have) that God might decide to get rid of us.  But, Kid!  He sent Jesus to die for everyone WHILE everyone hated Him, while people were His enemies.  Now that I’m in His family, there’s no way He’ll get rid of me!  Imagine the amazing things He’ll do for His family when He did incredible things for His enemies!  Just wow.

Pretty soon after that, Paul reaches a transition point in the letter.  He moves on to talk about Christian living.   He recaps a lot of what we talked about in chapter 1, with the main point that Adam’s original sin (taking from the tree in the Garden of Eden to try to be like God) affected everyone, making everyone die, BUT Jesus made one payment for everyone’s sin to make joining God’s family available to everyone. And that, my dear sister, is what we’ll talk about in Chapter 6.


So what do I do with what we’ve talked about in the last chapter?  One of the things that struck
me the most was how Paul deals with our feelings of fear about God possibly deciding He doesn’t want us anymore.  You know from my last two letters that I for sure struggled with those thoughts for a long time, and I love the way Paul smacks those thoughts into the garbage.  He’s all like, “Listen, God sent the Person He loves most to die for you while you still hated Him.  He wanted you then.  What makes you think that, now that you love Him and accept His love, He’ll decide He doesn’t want you anymore?  THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!”  And it just makes my mind rest easy, you know? 

I love you, Kiddo.

Viv

New Pictures

(My CM Leadership ladies 💛)


(Our after school program had a district-wide sled race. My 1st and 2nd graders made the second fastest sled over all!)


(This is a late picture from Christmas break, but Tan hobbled around the Cobleskill reservoir with me on his barely repaired meniscus.)


(My dad sent me Valentine’s flowers!)

Letter No. 4

Hey Kid, 
We went through Romans chapter 4 over the past few days, and it was a lot.  One of the
questions Romans 3 left off on was, “Why did God give the Law in the first place? And are we getting rid of the Law now that we understand God’s grace through Jesus’ death?  How does New Testament salvation work with the Old Testament Law system?”

In order to answer that, I want to do two things.  The first thing is looking at Abraham and David, the most famous Jews of all time, which is exactly what Paul does, too.  Paul reminds his readers that Abraham technically wasn’t a Jew when God made promises to him and said, “Abraham, I like that you’re trusting Me; you don’t deserve My thumbs up, but I’m going to give it to you because you believe I will do what I said would.” God said that when Abe was about 85 years old; God didn’t give Abraham the sign of circumcision until he was like 99.  That blows any idea of circumcision or Jewish heritage giving you God’s thumbs up completely out of the water.  Abraham also definitely received God’s thumbs up way before God gave the Torah to Moses, so hat gets rid of the idea that having the Law puts you in God’s good books, either. 

King David, on the other hand, was for sure Jewish, for sure circumcised when he was a baby, and for sure knew the Torah.  But in Psalm 32, David acknowledges his sin, but God says the same thing He said to Abraham, “You’re trusting all of the things I’ve told you, so you get My thumbs up, just like Abe!”  The point is, even though David had all of the things the Jews thought made them better than everyone else, he still met God’s standard just by God taking his trust and giving him grace. 

Which brings me to point number two: The Law was still important for people to have.  God gave the Law as an example of His character, His standard and to explain there is a consequence for not meeting that standard: death.  All of this boils down to trusting God to do what He says, even though it is impossible.  Just like Abraham trusted God to give him a son when he was 100 years old, we trust God that He has already accepted Jesus’ death for our sins to give us grace to be His children, meeting His standard. 

After the last discussion on chapter 4, I had to go and talk to Dave Field, our teacher.  I wanted
to ask him to explain exactly why he said the Law was necessary for Jesus to pay our sin debt that we
talked about last time.  Like how can the Law be necessary, but I still feel free from having to fulfill it?  We’re going to get more in depth with this later on in the letter, but I just want to share what Dave
shared with me, because I just think it’s super important to clarify.  Basically, God chose the Law to give humankind an example of His perfection.  While the Law and the sacrificial system were in play as a sin credit card, God showed grace to the people who trusted Him because He knew He would send Christ to pay it off.  BUT THE LAW STILL BROUGHT DEATH! 

So what about the standard?  Because it still exists and it wasn’t thrown away, even when Jesus died and rose again.  NOW, as a believer, I have the Holy Spirit, God Himself, His living standard, alive inside of me.  He lives out the standard through me as I have faith in God like Abraham and David.  The rest I find in that, Kid, is amazing.

I love you, 
Viv

Letter No. 3

Hey Kid,  

I’m going to be real with you, this is the third letter I’m writing, but the first one isn’t in the mail
yet.  It’s a goal for this week is actually to put at least one of them in the mail.  Enough excuses, though, I’m about to lay Romans chapter 3 out for you! 

The chapter starts out with a hypothetical conversation between Paul and a Jew.  They’re
arguing about whether or not the Jew deserves God’s thumbs up (just so you know, NO ONE deserves God’s thumbs up, not even the Jew). To prove his point, Paul reminds his imaginary opponent about Psalm 51, in which David (the best Jew after Abraham) goes to court against God, and God is justified, not David!  God is the only One who can ever be announced right.  Paul uses a lot of Old Testament quotes to back up this idea, but then it finally gets good, Kid! 

Starting in verse 21, Paul announces that now, through Jesus’ death on the cross, God is giving His right status to everyone who believes that what Jesus did was enough.  In the Old Testament time period, God had set up for Israel a system of sacrifices that looked forward to what Jesus was going to do on the cross. Those sacrifices didn’t pay for Israel’s sin, it just covered for the sin like a credit card.  Then, when Jesus lived the whole Law out and died on the cross, all sin was paid for IN FULL by His blood.  Paul also announces that payment wasn’t just for the Jews, it was and is for anyone who will trust that Jesus’ payment is enough!  This doesn’t mean the law is dead and gone, it just means that it is fulfilled and now we get to live in Jesus’ fulfillment of it! 

How does this apply to my life today?  SO MUCH, KID!  I used to think that I could only fit into
God’s plan if I followed Jesus’ life exactly and obeyed the Law to its fullest extent.  I thought that was the only way God would be happy with me.  I trusted Jesus when He said He would save me in the Bible, but I also thought He would save me even though He was angry with me for failing at the Law every day.  I love this because it explains what it took so long for me to understand as a teenager. Jesus did everything for everyone; it’s simple.  All we have to do is trust Him that He did everything He says He did.  Of course, Paul is going to keep explaining the ins and outs of the salvation situation as we go, but I hope this letter encourages you

I love you, Kid.

Viv

Letter No. 2

Hey Kid, 
 You probably haven’t even received my first letter yet, but I’m here to tell you about Romans
chapter 2—the major points that hit me and how I want to apply them to my life right now.

Chapter 1 ended with the idea that God gave all of humankind over to the darkness, because they chose it over Him.  Remember this is a letter that didn’t have chapters when Paul wrote it, so chapter 2 follows in a similar vein.  Paul now focuses his attention on the guy that is going to be like, “Hey, I’m not as bad as these remote tribal people who worship demons.  I’m pretty good and I agree with God that those other people are bad, so God won’t punish me, right?” Wrong. 

Paul tells that guy straight out, “You aren’t good all the time, so you miss God’s standard of right-ness, too.  You’re just as bad as the other guy.” Through a number of hypothetical questions, Paul forces the “good-enough” guy to see that he isn’t good enough at all.

Finally, Paul talks straight at God’s chosen person, the Jew.  The Jew thinks that, between the Torah, the fact that he is circumcised (I know, weird), and his lineage from Abraham, he has enough to deserve a pass from God.  Paul smacks all of that into the garbage.  He says, “Nope. You have the Torah, and you teach it, but you don’t actually do it.  You fail to reach God’s standard, too!” 

The main focus toward the end of the chapter is that God doesn’t care tiddlywinks for the rules you follow if your heart doesn’t match up with your actions.  You can fool people into giving you a “good job” all you want; the reality is that only God’s “good job” matters. This all seems pretty dark, right?  It feels like we’re all in a ship that is sinking fast, and for most of humanity that’s true.  Kid, we can’t touch God’s right-ness on our own, but we both know how this story ends.

Keep reading these letters.  I promise that it gets brighter. 

The only question left is how to apply this to my life.  I think the main thing for me is that, with our background, I know a lot.  I know the rules, I know what this is supposed to look like, and I know that, in the past, I've stood on a soapbox to preach something I'm not living.  My prayer tonight is that God would keep softening my heart to recognize every effort of my own to reach His right-ness is pointless.  Like I said, this is a lot of talk about failure, but I know you know the solution for failure, too, and I'm about to write about it next time.

I love you, Kiddo

Viv

Letter No. 1

For nine weeks this semester, my class will be going through the book of Romans.  Part of our homework is, after each chapter, stopping and writing a letter to someone about what we've learned and how we can apply it to our lives.  While I'm pretty sure I know who I'm going to send my letters to, I also want to put it on here.  My hope is that maybe someone will find it encouraging:

 Hey, Kid!

We're starting this semester at school with a class on Romans. Each week, part of our homework is to write a letter about what we have learned to a non-student, so I chose you. Here we go!

You know that Romans is a letter from the Apostle Paul to the early Roman church.  It starts off with Paul introducing himself to the church as a servant of Jesus, an apostle, and as someone set apart.  It was really cool to see that he introduced himself as a servant first, because that was what he considered to be the most important thing for the Romans to know about him.  Then, they needed to understand that his teaching held the same authority as James or John, the early church leaders who walked with Jesus.  His title as an apostle gave him that authority. Finally, when Paul says he’s set apart, it explains how God saw Paul.  He had one job in God’s eyes—spreading the gospel, and that’s it.

The next thing that stood out to me was verse 15, which leads into the "theme verses" of the letter. Anyway, it talks about the news of Jesus' life, death and resurrection (which is the gospel) and how it is as much for people after they're saved as it was from them to become saved.  The gospel literally plays into every aspect of Christian life!  That concept goes forward into verses 16-17, where Paul basically says, "I am beyond proud of this Jesus story because it shows us how right God is and it gives salvation from sin because He gives His right-ness to people FREELY through Jesus!"  The big point you need to get is that God's salvation for people comes through trusting in God alone.



One more thing! Paul gets into explaining how God revealed Himself to everyone, even the most remote people groups, by His creation.  Kid, you have to read verses 20-23.  At one piont, everyone alive KNEW about God, BUT PEOPLE CHOSE NOT TO CHERISH THAT KNOWLEDGE, Kid!  Humankind actually CHOSE to forget God.  So what did God do?  He let them forget and gave them all the horrible consequences that went with choosing darkness over God's light.  He let them go, ready for them to realize how awful life was without Him, ready for them to turn back to Him.  They noticed, all right, but they got all excited about how horrible they could be instead of going back to God and His right-ness.

There is a lot more, but those are the highlights that stuck out to me the most.  Sometimes the hardest or most time-consuming part of learning all of this is how to apply it to my own life.  When I look back at how Paul introduced himself, I don’t think the first thing I’ve ever told someone about me is that I am a servant of Jesus Christ.  Honestly, I don’t that I’ve ever spoken or even thought of myself in those exact terms for any extended period of time until this class.  Kid…that probably (which means definitely) needs to change.  

 The other major thought that is going through my mind stems from the bit about what happened when people didn’t cherish their knowledge of God.  It reminds me of myself when I went to college for the first time. I feel like, for the first time, I am truly understanding how equal the playing field is between me and the unreached tribal nationals in Africa in terms of knowing God.

I love you and God loves you,

Viv

there and back again

It's crazy to think that Christmas and New Years Day have come and gone.  I've driven to New York, stopped in Ohio twice, driven back to Wisconsin, and stopped at a train station along the way.  We're amping up to do leadership training before the semester starts, then classes and work both kick off on Monday. 

Over the break, I was supposed to go to the doctor to have some tests run.  For the past two years, I have had abnormal results in other routine tests, and my PA suggested that it was time we took a closer look at things.  The first specialist didn't do any of the things she was supposed to do and, after further deliberation with my PA, we decided that I should see someone in a different practice.  My new doctor, however, isn't accepting new patients until March.  I feel like I've been waiting forever to find out what is going on in my body for certain, but the waiting isn't over.

Real talk: I'm not a patient person.  Like not at all.  I like to think I am, and I try to be when I'm dealing with other people, but I'm for sure not patient when it comes to dealing with myself.  I want to know what's wrong, why I'm feeling the way I feel, and what I can do about it, and I want to know all of it yesterday. And maybe that's why God's timing is working the way it is.  I need to wait on Him.  I need to trust Him. That's all.

Medical aspect of break aside, it was probably the most relaxing break I've had with my family in years.  We played a ridiculous amount of board games, ate all the time, stayed up late and slept in. Of course there were moments when we all got under each other's skin, and I'm 100% happy to be back at school, but my over-arching memory of the break is sweet.

On to Semester Three!